temple dedication

Over the weekend the Draper Utah Temple held their temple dedications, twelve sessions in all. the last session was broadcast over closed circuit tv to all the stake centers in Utah, this was Sunday afternoon. We had ours at the Parley's stake center. We had to end our meetings short for that evening so we only had sacrament and priesthood. We then needed to leave while they prepared the building to serve as an extension to the temple dedication. So to enter we needed to have our temple recommends. It felt great being there, even more so when they started. I just read my scriptures until it started. I've been trying to finish my Book of Mormon in Cebuano and not quite there yet. but close. Scott green came and sat by me. he is leaving this next week to move to California. hope he does well there. The ceremony went great with a variety of speakers. and the dedication was very inspiring. It was given by president Monson. I remember the feeling of reverence as we all participated and during the final song, singing "The spirit of god" was just wonderful. I started tearing up and then pulled my voice back, i felt wrong for doing that. if anything i should have sung louder, but didn't want to make a scene. still, such a wonderful evening. I was able to go through the temple tour twice, but now, next time i go back. the Spirit of God will be there and The house will be Holy. I've got a few more names to finish for my family before i start up again, but i can't wait to go back. I was able to go to the Jordan river temple Friday night, and then again on Saturday evening to the Salt lake City Temple. I picked up the female names i had left there for them to do the endowments. they didn't do them, so i got them names and i've asked the family history committee to help me and they said they would. So i then went through an endowment session. I just went home afterwards as that morning i had run an 18 miler and was still recovering for the run. I feel better now. but will give me one more day to heal up. need to taper a bit for my half marathon next week. that morning was such a beautiful morning, first over the mountains the clouds had gathering into the swirl of reds that filled the sky in brilliant swaths of fire. it stopped me in my tracks during my run, farther along, the sky changed into a yellow brilliant light that got brighter and brighter, much like fire burns white hot, it just filled the mountain tops, as though God were there visiting and showing all who would look up that he was there. I'm so glad i run so early in the mornings, i would have otherwise missed such a beautiful sunrise. Sunday we had the priviledge of having the sister missionaries perform a musical number for sacrament. they were awesome, i'm glad we have such faithful sisters and they share their talents and their spirits with everything that they got. reminds me of my mission days, although no where as near as awesome as our sisters.
After speaking with my friends. i've come to realize, I need to move on. It's been a whole 2 months since i've had any communication with the girl. She has not written, called, texted, emailed, nothing to show any interest whatsoever. time to move on. I was so sure about this one. not just from what i felt, but from being with her and from my dreams. I dream alot of things, many of which come true. I've had glimpses of who i should marry over the past 20 years, but that is all glimpses, never her face or her name. just some object of her that i remember. her hair, our children, the place we would live, where we would be together downtown, then mix that with my patriarchal blessing. this girl fits like 95 percent of these things. the one wild card in all of this, happens to be her choice, i could never force her to get together with me, nor should anyone be forced. I did what i was supposed to do, and if she never opens the door, well, i can't do anything about that. that dream i had in january, was with her, I would knock and she would open the door, then i was able to see what things would be should we be together, but on the opposite side, i could see what would be should she choose not to. She will have a good life, build some beautiful things out of her life. But i've got to move on, i've got to keep living my life. perhaps God will bless me with new dreams, in fact i know that as i place my trust in my God, he will lead me on. i've had dreams of other girls, dreams telling me what life would be like with them, why it would or wouldn't work and so i know that somewhere down the line, i'll find someone that we match and we'll be able to go to the temple and be married for time and all eternity. the thing about my dreams, though they often come true, I should always approach them with trust in my Heavenly Father. they can change on occasion. As my circumstances have changed and as my faith has developed and i've grown, either i see more in my dreams or they become more profound. some dreams frighten me, for the things that will happen, others of the past serve to enlighten me and grant wisdom upon me. like my other spiritual gifts, they need fine tuning, but the source, i must always confirm the source, that it comes from God. this last one had so much detail so much symbolism, relating to the gospel. I knew it's source. still, one big thing i learned this weekend, that God has a plan for all of us, and what part i have in that plan, depends on my choices. so now, i choose to move on and need to move on, or i'll miss on something great. I remember a dream i had of woman made of stone, no matter what i did, she was stone, but even then, i tried to be close, but what affection does stone have, in my efforts i lost a really great girl, a true friend who i dearly loved, She's happy now, has her own family and serves to remind me that holding onto things that i should let go of, will have me miss other things along the way i really should pay attention to hope and not despair, for how can i see the world with my head constantly down, i must life my eyes and extend my gaze. I will put my trust and my faith in my God and keep moving forward.

one small step for me

Ok. so over the weekend. i got some amazing news. I just got accepted into the Executive MBA program here at the University of Utah. The news just brightened up my saturday. The downside of the news, i've got to pay 2,000 for the initial tuition payment before the 27th. still. It feels good that i can use my time constructively. the program lasts just 21 months, but by the end, i'll have my MBA. woohoo. Saturday was just so full of fun stuff. I ran my 12 miler and felt good doing it. i'm getting used to that distance and my recovery didn't take too long either. later that night i was ready to run some more. I feel confident i'll be fine for the upcoming 2 half marathons i've signed up for. hopefully i can get my goal of 16-18 by the end of the month.
Over the past few months i have been obsessed with getting my geneology work done. I've had names, even dates, but not to get to the temple. and this week i did it. I got names for my family into the templeready system and took their names to the temple. the baptisms and confirmations were already done, just needed to get the rest. I was able to get the others done and even got one endowment session in before my salsa class. I forget sometimes just how beautiful the SLC temple is. I have not gone as much as i know that i can, and can't wait to get back again and get more names taken care of. Temple work is so important, not only for the salvation of the souls in question, but for our own salvation as well.
Sunday we had ward conference. before that we were to have ward council meeting, have to thank curtis for telling me about the meeting 35 minutes before it started. man, i showered and dressed in 5 minutes. out the door after printing the calender items for the meeting in another 5 minutes. cruised at mach speed to the church, luckily no cops. and made the meeting with 3 minutes to spare. it was a fine meeting, just nervous because the stake president sat right next to me. I love his testimony and feel the geniousness of his love and concern for all of us. We sang in choir next, the number turned out excellent. We sang the hymplicity of I know that my redeemer lives. just turned out great melinda wooden, in the choir, started out with the first verse as a soloist. she did great. then we sang in the rest. and then the 4th verse the congregation joined in, and boy did they ever, so over powering, i felt, they were singing their testimonies, i tried to hold back my tears. it was wonderful. We had so many people there than we usually do. typically we setup 7 rows of chairs and they fill up, on occasion we will have to add one more row, but that day, 11 rows of chairs were needed. very much a full house. The bishop gave a great talk and the rest of the day was just perfect. We got to hometeach Fran. always a treat to visit her. I love saturdays and Sundays that not only fill my soul with accomplishment and wonder, but help keep me centered on the things that really matter. one sad note though, my friend teresa bramwell lost her father over the weekend. I hope all is well with her, or will be, any lost is hard to take, especially our loved ones. my thoughts and prayers are with her and her family.

cuddling with my running shoes

I know i write often about my running. usually to report any accomplishment i've done, or some unusual happenings. This weekend however, was a great weekend. I reached my first 14 miler. I'm used to running 6 miles a day so the first 12 weren't bad. when I hit thirteen, my body rebelled and i really had to fight to finish that list mile. still, it felt great to get that far.
I almost bought my first snowboard boots this weekend. i went to backcountry.com and tried on a pair of boots. they were way to tight. so ordered new ones, but i waited for 25 minutes in their lobby before the guy that was supposed to get them said they would be right up. looks like the dude forgot me. so i just left. will be another day. but i'm determined to get out at least once this season, even for a few moments. I need to get some use out of my board.
Later that day i had my 3rd class in Intro to Salsa, I really like our teacher, heather. she's so much fun in her teaching. She asked me to help in one of her dances and i froze, so i requested we start again, and went better the second time. she's such a powerful personality. I like going to that dance club. i'm sure to be taking the next ballroom and salsa class there. Dancing was something i loved so very much when i was at byu and have felt badly about neglecting that affection. So going back has been a wonderful experience.
i was going to just rest the remainer of the day but some girls from the ward invited a few of us over for a game night. i was pretty fun. just hung out and played games. we tried guiatine, a gamea bout the french revolution where you get to behead nobles. next was cranium. also a fun game, but harder that it sounded, i feel much more complacent with my incompetence now, but more adept in my sculting skills. we then played a game called spoons. never heard of it before so it was a challenge. got my but kicked. which was ok. it was fun. headed home because with my training schedule i really need to get sleep for my body to recover. feel good today. but will see if i can run tonight, there is a major snow storm coming in tonight.
sunday was an excellent day. went to choir practice. we had to change the song we were singing because we are singing for ward conference next week. and the songs we were going to sing just weren't polished enough. this is the 3rd week in a row that the guys have outnumbered the girls in our choir. the sounds are beginning to mesh well. i hope we can continue to progress. we will be singing i believe in christ. such a wonderful testimony song. juliann's warmups are so good, just help to really get my vocals in sync. it feels so great to let my voice go and sing my testimony of the Gospel. such a wonderful feeling. later that afternoon i had an interview with the bishop to get my temple recommend. just need my stake interview now. it was a very great day.

Hallucinary weekend

This weekend has been one of the stranger weekends that i've had. last week I got sick on Sunday of all days. Just a 24 hour flu, but it knocked me out for all of Sunday and most of Monday. So i took Tuesday off my running schedule to recoup. I ran wednesday instead, just my usual 6 miles, however, afterwards, my leg hurt, leftside on fire from my calf down to my toes. only for a few seconds and then it was gone, I thought it was just something with the way my leg was propped, up so it went away, next day, thursday, ran another 6 miler, i wanted to make sure I kept up with my running schedule and get my mileage in, no pain this time, but i was feeling tired. The next day, friday, i did something i had never done before, ran for three straight days. Ran my usual 6 miles, and felt really good about it. wasn't as tired as before, but was feeling a little sore, having run three times in a row at that distance, was beginning to take a toll. That night i went to the Ball room social for the Salsa in utah dance club. It was fun, remembered alot of things i thought I had forgotten, but still, enjoyed myself. My samba needs alot of work, lost my hips. my cha-cha, so many moves i just don't remember anymore. i was out till 10 but decided to run the next morning, so four days in a row, a new record, but pushed my body passed what it had ever done before, this morning i was determined to run 10, which i did eventually. at around my 7th mile, my body was feeling it, my fuel gauge was near empty and my body was letting me know it. i walked a little bit to get my legs again, and got back into a rhythm. i was running back south on state street just past 4500 south, then i saw a car turn in front of me. i wasn't paying too much attention, the car was far enough in front of me to not be a problem. however, when i looked back up to see where the car had turned into, it was into this small opening between two buildings. this opening was full of grass, trees, and misc junk the owners had piled there. i looked again, i swore the truck had turned into this very location, but how could a truck be there when in fact it looked as if nothing could fit in that location. at this time i was pretty certain, i had reached a training limit and must have been seeing things. I walked at this point to make sure i was still possessing ones faculties, and realized the truck had turned a bit earlier than i saw, and was spacing out the location. still it freaked me out. A little farther down, same thing, but it was a man, walking into a wall that had no door. i double checked again, saw the door, but realized that i had some sort of spaced out delay that just didn't see what i saw when i thought i saw it. it was fun though to think that i was seeing things. I get so focused on my runs i tend to block out everything else. this just happened to be the case. still, after 8 miles i'm sure the tired state of my body wasn't helping me comprehend the spatial sequence of my running memory.
I love ending my runs with my warmdown in the park, this morning it was just wonderfully beautiful. all the birds, the clean air, the quiet awayness i feel underneath the trees. I hope heaven just has a huge park in the middle i can walk with my family chill out under the shade, enjoy a soft breeze and bask in morning light. I digress.
I finished my run with 10 miles, altogether, for the week i got in 28 miles, 2 less than last week, but i got my goal. my body was soo tired. to reward making my goal i had breakfast at IHOP. and then relaxed the rest of morning until my salsa class later that day. the class was fun, heather, our salsa teacher is so much fun and she makes everything interesting. I just went home to relax, later that night we had our death my chocolate party. back in november, we had a service auction for our Sub for Santa program. I got the death by chocolate. basically a huge dinner party with nothing but chocolate dishes as the main courses. it was fun, the girls did a wonderful job and we all ate as much as we could. I left early. still feeling strange from my run and needed to rest.
the next day, went to church. I sing in the choir, i am a baritone, can't sing much higher, and can't go much lower, it fits for me in that range, i don't mind. if i have to chose i go with the bass side. still We have been getting alot of guys to choir now, in fact we have outnumbered the girls alot recently. Juliann Smith is our new choir director and she had two new songs for us. both were not familiar to me so i spent alot of time trying to get the notes right. and then in the corner of my eye, i saw janna walk into the chapel ever so briefly, and walk right out. it happened so quickly i was sure it was one of my hallucinations. i kind of did one of those bugs bunny double takes, shaking my head, that can't be her, and then stuck my head in my music. but what brief glimpse i saw of her, stuck in my head, just a moment and there she was, and then gone again. She has my heart to do with as she pleases. Over the past few weeks, i mentioned that since we went out, there have been an increasing amount of interest in me to date. lots of girls, many of them just very beautiful. but i always ended up thinking of Janna, and not them. it has been a great trial to me not hearing from her and even more so, in moments i just want to talk to someone. how can just a few hours with someone have such an effect on me and do nothing for her. Not sure how to answer that mystery. All i know, is what remains of my heart, is hers and hers alone. What a fool she would make of me, what things i would do for her, should she ask. I have done all i can, to the limits of our association. should i press more, then i would be stalking her, or pushing her further away. I have so many flowers i want to give, so many places i want to take her, so many walks around the park we can take, just being together, side by side. All i can do is wait, wait for her answer, or if her answer is silence, even then still, i must wait until she meets someone, falls in love, and breaks my heart completely. then will her grasp over me be broken, then i will be free from her to move on. until then, my thoughts are ever of her.

Sick does NOT equal Fun

I so dislike being sick. It happened soon after my run on Saturday. Usually I'm quite careful about what i do after my long runs, but somehow i had forgotten. Saturday I ran 12 miles and it was a good 12 miles. Afterward, my legs hurt, but weren't sore, I wasn't as fatigued as i thought i was going to be. In fact, i felt great, and my time wasn't too bad either, finishing in just 2 hours. I am careful after a long fun because for me, after 10 miles of running, my immune system gets compromised. after a long distance your body's white blood cell count gets lowered and leaves you susceptible to all kinds of germs if not careful. There being the problem. I wasn't careful. I'm sure this happened later that night.
I had gone down to BYU to watch the Living Legends performance. I had not attended one in a number of years and so felt it was time. I had purchased the tickets with the intent to invite Janna to go with me so she might get a small taste of my culture. But she couldn't go. She had a family obligation to attend to, her father's birthday. She apologized that she could not go and i replied informing her that she need not apologize for that. she should be with her family, especially a birthday party. I'm used to being by myself so going alone for me was more normal. although i would be lying if i didn't state that a part of me would miss her. In fact, during the performance, i kept thinking about what she would have liked or disliked. and afterwards, walking out i reflected on what might have been her opinion. My usual drive home was emtpy, no matter what music i played, i just wanted to hear her voice. so leaving in this distracted state, i was not as careful as i usually am with contact and with food, later eating without having washed my hands carefully. so sunday morning when i got up. I was hurting. as the day progressed, my strength so left me, in fact, i left sunday school and priesthood just to lie down on the couches in the foyer. I needed to stay so i could home teach. Paul, my home teaching partner, wasn't there that day and both Michelle and Fran were there and I needed to be there, i wanted to be there for them. After church i went home and crashed, the fever hurt, but I still watched the Academy Awards. I loved the show. I still have not seen Slumdog Millionaire, but now I feel obliged to.
Got up Monday morning, no better, so called in for work. i rested mostly and by midday my fever was gone, by later that afternoon, i had my appetite back. and so this tuesday morning, i feel stronger, but probably wont' run until wednesday. I really want to get out there, but i need time not only for my body to heal, but to gain strength again. 6 miles is still a long way to go. and if i run without that necessary strength i will get sick again, or passout. Either way should be a party, i'll have to adjust my running, probably run wed,thur,fri. and only a 10 mile run on saturday, which will give me less miles, but not too much less so mixed blessings. at least i can eat again. but i'll be staying away from those breakfast burritos.

dusted off my dancing shoes

Last night i went to the Latin Dance Studio at downtown SLC. I had signed up for three classes, one in ballroom level 1, next in latin social dance, and the last intro to salsa. I had taken ballroom before so really not worried about that. But the latin classes are dances i've never done before. so first class was latin social. that night they taught the Bachata, thank goodness. my whole last week for classes was in bachata, so tonight was a very good time to practice what i learned, remember what i had forgotten and enjoy myself, it was very pleasant, except for the fact that the guys outnumbered the girls 2 to 1. so we gathered in a circle and the girls would rotate around to each guy. it got hard to really get the new moves down so got used to dancing with air. still. it was fun.
our teacher is co-owner of the studio and he made it so fun. his jokes, his style of teacher, it was a hoot. the guy is funny. there were 2 girls from my old bachata workshop that attended so we at least got to get some good practice in with the newbies. next weeek will be the challenge. we will be learning merenge. never done that before so will see how it goes. i'll be the very much newbie then.
the next class was Ballroom level 1. i felt more at ease here. the class was loaded with people and to my surprise we had and exact boy to girl ratio so everyone had a partner. we were learning the tango tonight. one of my favorite dances. they asked if anyone had ballroom experience and i slightly raised my hands, truth was it had been 10 years since i had danced and really needed to get my basics down again, but one the floor, as she presented her information, it just came back to me. how i should hold my hand, my feet movements, my count to the music, it just was there again, granted i didn't remember all the moves i had known before, but my basics were there. and i was ready to dance, most of the girls there were very new to ballroom and not to tango at all. so as wel moved, they would be out of place or they wouldn't have a strong arm structure, feet work was misplaced, they lacked confidence. of course because this was a brand new dance to them. for me it was like magic, just the flow, the movement, it was so much fun to remember. i got complemented several times, telling me that i was the best partner they had that night. it was nice. not sure how the other dances will go, but can't wait to do the others, to see how much i remember. I was giving the girls pointers through the night, where to stand, to bend their knees in the stance so they can step back farther, to dance hip to hip on our open promonades. the hardest was their arm structure, many kept their arms weaker so it was harder for me to give them the signals to turn to where they should be, it takes time, with new partners, before you can read the signals and understand each other. suppose it's the samething in life.
my next class is on saturday at 2pm this is the intro to salsa, i'm really looking forward to this class, something that fun, i want to get the basics down and just excell in this. maybe one day i'll be fortunate to find a wife that loves this style and we can just dance all the time. i have yet to find one will to be with me. but i have hope and look forward to the future.
sadness part II
over the past few weeks, i've been trying to interact with a girl that i really genuinely love. but in the midst of my communications, she has stopped emailing me. no texts, no calling. it appears she will have nothing to do with my inquiries or invitations. i fear that i have asked her too soon after her breakup and have caught her in a situation where she wants nothing serious at the moment, even casual acquaintance seems out of the question. i seemed to have mucked things up again, my specialty. which is so unfortunate, two years waiting to ask her out, i get that chance and i didnt' even make an impression enough to capture her interests and more dates. i'm such a loser. if there were an olympic event in ending relationships of any kind, i'd have a closet full of gold medals. I almost feel as though i should have never asked her out, then i'd be free to love her in my ignorance. Free in my fantasy to hold her and to dream of the possibilities to be. but I would be wrong, i do not regret any moment spent with her. the long drive we had. the moments i made her laugh. holding the door open for her. holding her hand when we danced, embracing her when i thought she wasn't anywhere around. seeing her smile every sunday. and when she walked into the dance studio. she was so amazing and gorgeous. though our moments were short they were moments to remember. at least that much i can keep with me.

neglecting my blogging duties

things these past few weeks have been quite hectic to say the least, however, they have been activities which have been worthwhile and eventful. the following takes place in the last several weeks. this entry will be long. so if you like reading, i hope i do justice in explaining everything.

1. Temple in Draper
At the beginning of the month, our ward had scheduled to attend the open house in Draper, Utah. I am now the ward web specialist and so i get to know what's happening in the ward concerning activities. We were supposed to meet at 7:15 and then go on our tour, i got there at 6:45pm, and waited, no one showed up. i waited until 7:45pm and still, no one showed up. I still had to give them a chance and gave it 5 minutes and decided if they had not showed up by then, i'd go alone. During that time i was lost in the exterior beauty of the Temple. the lights, the glow from the granite walls, the shimmer from Moroni's trumpet. I used that time for reflection and enjoyed every moment. Still i would have preferred being with members of our ward, but that just didn't work out. I then walked through the temple, If you have never been, it is an amazing architectural structure and so much beauty around every corner. I took my time walking through, crowds of people passed quickly, i didn't pay attention to them. I'd stop at paintings, reflect on each story and move on. i'd touch the walls, feel the texture of the doors, even smelled the wood, which was imported from Africa. I just wanted to enjoy the experience. There was a young girl there, i'd say about 5 years old, she was there with her family and she wore a very pretty white dress. about half way through i found myself mixed in with their family. and for some reason she took to copying my movements. if i touched a curtain, she touched them on the opposite side, if i felt a door handle she did the same thing. when i moved in close to a wall too see what the wood smelled like (pinesol, they must have just cleaned) she did exactly the same. at the end, i heard her speaking to her father. he asked her what was her favorite part, she said the shimmering lights daddy, the shimmering lights. she was speaking of the crystal that surrounded many of the lights on the walls, including the amazing candelier in the celestial room. Her joy echoed my own in such a wonderful building. And that building will become all the more beautiful when it is filled with the fire from the Spirit of God which will shine forth as all other temples do, to rejoice and give praises to the God of Israel. This building certain does that for me. Even through i walked out the temple alone, i never really felt alone. It was a great experience.

2. lost my key
As many people know. i am a runner. I love it, usually after i've gone 3 or 4 miles. before that i always ask, what am i doing out here. but then when i get in a rhythm the cadence begins to carry me along, it is a wonderful feeling. I had gone running one night on my first very long run of the season, i got in a 9 miler. i usually end my runs with a warm down in the park, they have a series of stations setup to do pushups, or pullups or whatever. i did three of the stations, and then jogged home. when i got home, i reached into my pocket and my key was gone. Why when we lose something, do we try to reach in further only to find nothing. I pulled out the pocket and proceed to check the other pocket, which was no where near the other pocket during the run. i had no way of getting into my apartment, no neighbors were home. i had no phone numbers to call. i was completely alone, all very sweaty and cold. i felt so helpless. i tried to think where could it be, it could be anywhere between my place and the park. i went a few houses down to some neighbors who looked home and they generously allowed me to borrow their flashlight. as i walked outside, i pretended to kneel down to tie my shoes, but instead, in a slightly seclueded area, plead with my Heavenly Father, please, please help me find my key. i don't know how many times that thought came to my head during my run, to secure the key and to place a key outside hidden so i could find it under an emergency. every moment i remembered, and realized i deserved my despair for procrastining that bit of inspiration and forethought. still, i held hope that maybe, just maybe, God would have mercy on me and allow me to find my key.
i walked-ran the half mile back to the park. there were only three stations i was at that night. the first, where i did some pullups was empty. now, this was all at night, about 7:30, everything was very dark. the ground under the station was covered with wet wood shaving all scattered about. they were hard and cold, some frozen together in sheets of ice, others just frozen enough so you'd slip when you stepped on them. i scrambled around with the flashlight, and found nothing, my knees got very wet and i got even colder. a couple walked by wondering what i was going, they said good luck and walked away. alone, again, i knelt again and prayed, please, please help me find my key, i reached inside with all my heart, to humble myself before my God, seeking his help and his mercy for my own stupidity.
i got up walked to the second station, a pair of parallel bars i use to do leg lifts and work my triceps. also, very good for arm walks. this was on a hill and fortunately there was no snow, but still dark. with wet grass all around. I got on my hands and knees, i looked about again, where all this could be and found nothing. my heart began to sink, my hope faded and all i could think of was this is it, i deserved to lose my key, i deserved to be this lost for not listening to that voice that warned me before to be prepared. i knelt again and prayed, all the more fervently. then a voice, a quiet voice, but a voice, God cannot hear you. maybe he never could, maybe all the times before were just coincidence, he won't help you. you don't deserve to be heard. and for a moment, i doubted, for a moment i listened. But then i quickly caught myself and remembered all the good things God has done for me. and if it was his will that i shouldn't find the key, then let it be according to his will. it doesn't mean he won't hear me, it doesn't mean he won't hear me in the future, and it certainly doesn't mean he did not hear me in the past. I know that God hears and answers our prayers. I cannot deny that. ever. so again, in my heart, i plead even more, no matter if i find the key or not, i will always love you and trust you. forgive me my sins and my doubts. and please help me find the key.
there was only one station left. i walked over to it, still held onto shreds of doubt, but hopeful. this was two bars side by side, where you could do pushups off it, as well as inverted pullups. i had stopped here last and i approached it slowly, apprehensive, this also was dark with patches of snow. i got close shone my light to where i was and it wasn't there. my heart sunk,it could be anywhere along my running path, it could be anything where in the half mile it was to my home. then, a small voice, inside, said, step back. there, in the dark grass just behind me. was the key. I quickly grasped it and held it to my heart so precious this jewel was to me, and i knelt down there in the park and just over and over again, said thank you, thank you, thank you. i can't remember how many times i said it, but never wanted to let it go again. i didn't care if anyone could see me, walking home. i never let it out of my hand. in fact, i looked a couple of glances to see that i had actually held it in my hand. but it was there. i prayed when i got back inside, when i finally got to eat, i prayed with a grateful heart for the mercy that God had shown me, with a simple voice to step back and calm my heart, that trusting in God, and humbling ourselves before him is always the best thing to do. even searching for a little key.

3. Baby's first laugh
In the Navajo culture, we have a tradition, that the first person to make a newborn baby laugh throws a party in honor of the baby. that person pays for everything and is the MC for the party, this time it was my sister Shenna's turn, she got Monty's baby Maddy to laugh. Monty's family was visiting from hawaii, first time visiting home in years. it was great to see them again. I drove home, took an extra day off to be with everyone, while i was home we also had family pictures. My mom was fortunate enough to have her new house again. it is a beautiful house with high ceilings and alot of space. it was the first time for me in their new house. they did an excellent job. we had our family pictures together over near the Shiprock, the rock, all of us drove there. it was a fun drive. it was fun to teach the kids a little geology about the rock. they thought i was lying that the rocks they were playing on were from a volcano. but they still had fun. later at the party, we had dinner and alot of food, Monty, the other Harold and i held down the BBQ and the others got everything else ready. it was fun talking with him again. i love my brother and they have done a great job as a family to raise their children. it was a fun event to be home and be with everyone again. the next morning i had to leave early for choir we had rehearsed this song alot and i didn't want to miss out, frankly i just wanted to get back to see janna again. but i did really want to sing. then just before we were to sing, she informed us that she was going to be leaving the ward. i cannot express how my heart felt after this. i would miss her. and still miss her. she is a rare treasure and will be a wonderful addition to her ward. to anyone she meets. I know she had to leave the ward because she was living outside the ward boundaries. she stayed only because her boyfriend was in the ward. He was an idiot for breaking up with her. but, i figure I scared her out of the ward by asking her out to watch the dancer's company. still. it was remembering her that helped me get back safely. during my drive home, i got hit with a very bad snow storm, up the canyon from helper. it was a white out condition. i could not see the sides, or oncoming traffic, it was so bad, i couldn't even see the semi in front of me not even 10 meters. all i could see were the tracks of the truck. I prayed so much, for my life, just to get home again. I was able to see her again, and i count that a wonderful blessing. even is she isn't with me.
4. found a friend
well, It only took me two years, but i finally asked Janna out to do something. I had purchased tickets to go and watch the BYU Dancer's company. i love how they perform and i usually go to these things alone, but a thought came to me, maybe she'd want to go. i hesitated because, she had just had her heart broken. and i really didn't want to be rebound guy. but the last few times this has happened. i waited too long and she got swooped away by some other dashing gentleman. it was strange how everytime i made an attempt it was twarted in someway to keep us apart. everytime. and so when i asked her, i more than expected to hear her say she couldn't or she was busy or she was already with someone. but i had to ask. i had waited so long for another chance and even if it meant a rejection, i wanted to try. but when she said yes, i cannot express my joy, i picked her up at her place, not too hard to find, but seeing her all dressed up. she is so perfectly beautiful. and she has this amazing way of rendering me inarticulate. i kind of like that. but being a bumbling fool around her probably isn't going to help me win her heart. she has a gentle soul and an amazing laugh. we talked on the way there, just about everything, her family, friends, work and what not. she loves dancing as do i. we attended the concert in the pardoe theatre, the seats were really very good. the performance was great. i like the fact that when we talked we had to whisper and that had to be done in close proximity. afterwards i wasn't sure if i should take her to eat anywhere, she is very petite, most foods i eat really pack on the pounds. but on the way out she mentioned she was hungry, (answer to prayer because it meant spending more time together) so i said i knew a place, and we went to Tommy's burger. classic provo joint and had a burger, we just talked, well she did most of the talking, i enjoyed listening to her. it was a great evening. on the way back. she didn't want to listen to any music, just talk and we just did that, the drive home was far too quickly ended. i wanted to keep going and keep talking. the only downside to the date was the ending, i wanted to get out and open the door for her. but she got out so quickly, i didn't feel like i was a gentleman for not walking her to her door. i pulled back and watched her to make sure she got in her house ok, but then she caught me and i thought maybe she thought i was staring at her, which i wasn't. i just wanted to make sure she got inside ok. but still, it was a lovely afternoon.
5. salsa dancing
well, as part of our conversations earlier, janna mentioned that she was into salsa dancing and said it would be fun to go. for those of you that know me, you know that i love to dance. I took 2.5 years of ballroom classes at BYU. my advisor informed me i would just miss graduating with a dancing minor, but i love dancing, i've owned my own Mobile DJ business for some time now and it is always enjoyable. i've taken standard ballroom, international latin, and social ballroom up to gold levels. but i've never taken like social latin classes, let alone salsa dancing. she mentioned a site for salsainutah.com. i went and saw they had ballroom. it's been ten years since i had taken these classes and so i thought i could get refreshed on how they were. I signed up for the classes and they had a workshop on friday last on Bachata, it was so fun. very different, even the timing, all the movements, it was fun. janna couldn't come because i believe she had another date. which is fine, she's beautiful and she should date while she's single. granted i wanted to be the only one on her radar, but i wasn't about to get all clingy. i had signed up for the classes before she knew i did. i really do love dancing and had forgotten just how much i did. i bought some new shoes, i couldn't find my old practice form shoes. the first two hours of the workshop were fun, repetition and such, it went by way to fast. before i knew it it was 9oclock. and they had a dance party ready to go. i stayed for the salsa party after ward, though i had never danced salsa before. i watched, i experimented with the form, i just could not get the timing down, or the moves, most the night i was staring at my feet. every now and then i'd try a ballroom move and that probably confused everyone involved. Janna was going to come at 10, but i waited, she never showed, 10:30 came, still nothing, i had been looking forward to being with her, especially for her help in dancing, because i really needed it, but more for her company. 11 came around, and nothing, i had been dancing and observing this whole time, it was fun, but now i was 4 hours there and very tired, i said to myself, i'll stay till 12, then leave, she finally came at 11:35. she was a vision, absolutely gorgeous, everything about her. i cannot describe. again rendered speechless. i was so happy to see her. so very happy she was there. we tried the salsa, i totally stunk at it. must have stepped on her feet at least 4 times. she informed me later that i was trying to turn her the wrong direction. which in ballroom was the right direction, but in salsa, opposite. awkward. i felt foolish. at the end of dance a friend of mine from work was there and she wanted to talk, we talked, then I lose Janna, she went off to her friends and she was dancing and it wasn't until after i talked to my friend, and i noticed she had walked off. i was slightly hurt, i wanted to spend time with her, i had waited so long and now she was with another. i calmed myself went to another room and practiced my bachata moves, for her, went back and they had bachata, and she was dancing again, she was having a great time, i didn't want to ruin that for her. i went back to the other room, to collect my thoughts. and then went back. salsa was playing and now another song, but different guy. i just left, quietly got her attention, waved goodnight and went out, this was 12 midnight. i had been there for 5 hours. i was tired. but really, jealously got the better of me and i needed to get out of there before i made a scene. she was having a great time i didn't want to ruin it for her. the next day i went to the second part of the bachata workshop. it was fun. finalized by dancing classes, i have a latin social class on thursday for 4 weeks. right after that, a ballroom class, then on saturday afternoons at 2pm i have a intro to salsa class. I took them because i love dancing, and i enjoy it. part of me took them because of her, i must be honest about that. i would love to dance with her again.
6. lost in love.
I dont' really know what to do about how i feel about her, I am deeply madly in love with her. we have so many things similar and so many things very different, i think it would make and interesting ride the rest of our lives. i really dont' know what to do about how she feels about me. i dont' want to press her, not about to push her into something she wouldn't want and risk our friendship, but i feel if i don't act, then i'll lose her as i did the other times over the past two years. i fell for her the first time i saw her at a Tri-ward activity. her smile, her eyes, her kindness. She has a calm spirit and a gentle laugh. She shows so much compassion to those around her. and she will have no end to her suitors. might i be one so fortunate as to hold her hand, to grace her softly in an embrace. i would be a fool for her always, to shower her with flowers, and affection. I just dont' really know what to do next. i do not fear putting this on my blog, because, frankly no one reads it. but if i don't put this down somewhere i am certain to go crazy. i just want to tell her, that i love her, that i always have, just never had an opportunity to do that. and judging from the suitors she will most certain garner in her new ward, i never will. given my track record i'd say her chances of me losing her are quite high. this will likely come to nothing, but my heart broken in shambles again. i am thankful to at least have had the chance, to hold her hand when we danced, to embrace her when she visited, to whisper to her in the quiet of a theatre. at least i had something.