been a while

Ok. i know. very long time since i actually wrote a blog. there have been several reasons that explain my absence. First was time, I am now in graduate school working on getting my MBA and that, along with working full time has put a bit of a pinch on my time. I've worked in out so that i can still do things. just not as much as i was doing before. I love the courses, and love that I can begin to expand my mind again, especially in something that I think I have a lack in proficiency.
second. I have not written in a while due to a girl. have written about her. and things did not go as I had hoped. My problem was giving too much of my heart to her, and getting very hurt in the process. Jumped in too much and regret making that choice. but live and learn. needless to say it took a while for me to see heart again, and get back what i had given. I see her at church now and again, but do all i can do avoid the awkwardness. Just doesn't seem right to pretend to talk to someone that you don't want to talk to. She was so callous about the whole thing. Getting back on the horse was much harder than i thought it would be. But at least now i'm looking.
third. I really don't know what to blog about. so much happens to me. but it seems all over. a blog really needs to be about something. but mine it just more like a journal than anything else and then i feel conflicted because i feel like i need to write things down in a journal than type things down. still trying to work that out. hopefully as time goes on. i'll probably be doing a little bit of both.

Bear Lake Half

I ran the Bear lake half marathon this weekend.

drive up
The drive up takes just over 80 minutes to get to logan, another 40 minutes to get to bear lake. I was careful to get my hotel room first so that i could get the cheaper rate. this year there were plenty of rooms available. They build a new marriott down the street i was certain was taking up more customers. Still, Going up the canyon this year at least was more familiar and was so afraid of all the twists and turns.

green forest green everything
So much rain has fallen over the past few months. So amazing, i will always look at rain as a blessing. This year the foliage was amazing, pure, pull of life. every plant and tree, looked greener, fuller. as though they basked in the joy of natures bounties. I almost ran off the road several times gazing at the beauty. I love the rain for that reason, that it is a source of life. I have a problem with weather men and their assessment of rain as bad weather and how quickly they change when it doesn't rain enough, they call it dire and horrible at that point, that the heavens are closed, yet when it rains again, they call it bad again. Why is it so hard for people to see the good in what God has blessed them with. We live in a desert, rain is a blessing. always will be, even the mountains agree with me.

good run.
Got up at 4:15am to drive to bear lake to get on the bus. they had them there already when i got there at 5:20. didn't leave till 5:50, then got to the location early and waited until 7:30 before they actually started the run. not sure why they waited to long, they changed the course a bit this year just extended it up along the lake a bit more. they capped the race at 400 people and it sold out quickly. much like Ogden, which sold out in feb, this one also sold out quickly. everthing started out fine. the change in altitude didn't affect me until 3rd mile, but just one of those things that you just have to press on with. there were plenty of mosquitoes and storm clouds. they also had plenty of wind and it was very cold. these were perfect conditions. my knee started hurting at mile 5, just a little but enough to have me slow down. i started up the hill and at around mile 8 it hurt again, but this time wouldn't go away. still i kept going.

new friends
one thing i love about running in these races are the people I get to meet along the way. Sometimes they are friendly others just ignore you, which is ok. rude, but ok. met a girl named emily at the start, her first half. She was nice, great her husband was going to meet her at the end. great to have a goal to run for. then bruce. i met him before, great guy, he was running and he has a great stride, much faster than I. another gentleman, 72 years old, runnig his 7th half marathon for the year. This was my 7th half over all. i was impressed with him. we talked alot along the way. infact he helped me finish. another girl i didn't get her name, but she helped me up the hill. She was also in her first half marathon, came up from Orem. getting married in August, very nice, talking with her helped me through the hill and the pain.

finish in style
My knee hurt so badly at mile 12, but wasn't about to stop, i slowed but i kept going, by then the altitude got back to me, my muscles needed oxygen, not enough at that altitude, but i pushed forward. i could see the finish line and tried to hide my limping, and finished in style, which means i wasn't grimacing, wasn't showboating, just kept a strong stride and finished. Felt great, as all finishing lines feel to cross, felt great. my favorite part, is just after wards, that feeling that i had done it, and can restnow. can't wait to run next year.

sore evening
Because of how i pushed it toward the end, my knee rebelled. after my long drive home, i could barely walk, in fact bending my knee wasn't possible. so walking up the stairs, one step at at time hurt badly. i stretched, got some ibuprofen and rested. later i went to a party at Rachel's house, alot of great people and they are great friends. I left because of the soreness. just relaxed in my pain for the evening.

sunday rain.
Got up sunday morning, pain decreased by about 90 percent. it was a little tight, but i could walk without wincing. the rains came again. the trees around my condo are so full of leaves and a rich green color. amazing. i love mornings like these.

church again
Church was great. Rachel, other rachel got released from Relief Society. She was in that calling for a long time. Rachel is timeless and beautiful. I'm glad she's my friend. They were refinishing the gym floor and so we couldn't fit the people we needed inside. so they had people sit in the choir seats, chairs in the aisles and all outside in the foyer. i was asked to pass the sacrament, which is always an honor. i saw that jana again visited, this time with her boyfriend from back east. I don't know why she is coming here, she has her own ward, my guess is to show him off. so not the people i thought she was. I know that they had broken communication for whatever reason, i know that is why she was visiting the ward. then she had rich last week. perhaps getting cozy. my own reasoning, he came back to utah, to make amends. she took him back. She was very cozy in his arms. She seems happy. even if i don't like it, if she's happy, then that's the way it's going to be. I know in my dream, everything so far, has come true about her and with him. all i have to do is stay away, i have a promise from the Lord she'll be ok. I will keep away and i'll be ok with it, later when i got home, i felt the peace and joy of the spirit move me so deeply, i'm fine, i can move on, it'll be ok. my time will come when i hope to find a righteous woman i can take to the temple and be married. I look forward with hope to that day. i'll keep hoping and not lose myself to despair. my race isn't over yet.

Stake Conference Weekend

So much going on this weekend

party dusty
My friend Angela organized a group of us to go to this gaming place called Boondocks. Sounded like fun to i went. They had all sorts of video games, lazer tag, gocarts, miniature golf, water rides, hitting cages. it was a fun place. we had a group deal and a large number of us went. Problem was the weeather, earlier in the day a large low pressure system came through and just lifted dust from the desert and covered the sky with a cloudy mist of dirt and gunk. This made it hard to play minature golf, especially the cross breeze it was creating, still it was fun and i totally kicked but playing ms pacman.

salsa dancing
I left the above activity early to go salsa dancing. I find i am actually improving on my salsa moves, especially leading. I do get a lot of complements on that fact i lead very well. i blame my ballroom background on this. It does make it easy to work with a lady when they know what you are going. It was a fun night. i honestly have more fun watching, because there are so many different styles of salsa alot of dancers have their own take on the moves they do and can get rather creative. I usually just dance with girls from my class, easier to work with them when they are on the same level i am. i need to learn more dance moves. i left after the tango presentation, i sat on the floor and this girl named sasha sat next to me. i let her know i thought she was a great dancer, which she was, she had been dancing salsa for 3 years now, she moved over from the east coast to be near her friends. she is very pretty and nice enough to chat. maybe one day i'll be on her level of dancing. not that night.

morning run
got up about 5:15am to get my run in. again, a beautiful morning. the gunk from friday was completely gone and the air was clean. i ran my 7 mile course near cottonwood high school. i run near this house i never noticed had flowers, and they were in blossum this morning, just beatuiful and i couldn't stopmyself from keeping my pace, i had to observe this site. i love that about running. so many things i hadn't noticed before. well, got to my 8th mile and my knee started hurting, but kept going, just slowed a bit, got to mile 9 and called, so did a run walk on my warm down, still got in my 10 miles, but i feel like a slacker, with my knee hurt, not sure how well i'm going to run next weeks half marathon. I will try to do my best, don't want to back out now.

morning choir practice
I ran early this morning so i might catch our 2 hour stake choir practice, i like sister bennion, she's an amazing woman. I like how she brings us all together and she has a certain style about her in presenting her music. So much passion in her attention and i love her method of instruction. such a great woman. we sang two songs. behold the woulds in jesus hands, and Redeemer of israel. both good songs, in fact we have a male split and we baritones actually get a change to sing out. It was a great practice.

evening session
our visiting authority is elder m. russell ballard of the quorum of the twelve apostles. He spoke about teaching the principles of the gospel and the inpact that will have on those around us if we can just get the basics down. he spoke of how people need to be able to teach these things if we are to be effective in our membership. great evening, i ended this with a peach sundae from Arctic circle. i tradition i learned from the edwards family and still carry on today even though it is by myself, so many things i appreciate them teaching me. they will always be wonderful to me.

movie UP
earlier in the day i went to watch the movie up. such a great movie. i give it 4 thumbs up. my two thumbs and my 2 big toes. great movie, good plot, great tension and a wonderful message. my favorite part is the scenes with him and his wife. i think that is how love is, like the kid in the movie, he said i know it's boring, but i think that is what makes it work it, the boring stuff we have every day that makes like amazing with someone else. paraphrased. they spoke of adventure and how the two had an amazing adventure. i dream of that day. when i'll have my adventure with someone else, to live our lives together and teach our children great things, to fill our lives with the joys the gospel can bring. I love that movie, can't wait to either watch it again, or by the dvd when it comes out.

early morning sunday practice
one last practive and everything i thought went great, it was very rainy this morning as a cold front had come in. there was snow in the upper elevations and that rarely happens, snow in june. but this is utah and the weather is strange. sister bennion finished our practice with her testimony, what an amazing woman, i'm glad to know her.

closing session
all our singing went great. our stake president talked about discipleship, how there are disiples, such as the apostles, and disciples who are followers of christ. that we can be better at the way we live our lives in keeping his commandments and serve the best ways we can. president sorenson spoke on hands. how so many times in the scriptures hands reveal so much, in service, in giving blessings, in work, so important in our happiness. and then elder ballard, pointed his message on how we need to be quiet, how we get so involved in activities and distractions that we miss the important things, the spiritual things, that we need to endure and keep the commandments regardless the adversity. He spoke of a time he gave a blessing to a young girl who had a terminal illness, a family had asked him to come and bless her. he spoke with them and found they had great faith as a family and in the power of the temple. when he gave his blessing, the words to heal her didn't come. i'm sure he wanted to, but it wasn't according to the Lords' will. i've had to give a blessing like that. where the spirit said, it was his time, he was older, not young like this lady, but we blessed him that the pain would leave him and he would leave in a manner that wouldn't hurt him. it was a hard blessing, i know how the apostle felt. at the end we sang the song of jesus and beholding his wounds. the spirit was so strong. but i kept composed and sang with all my heart. what a wonderful experience, my heart soared and the spirit burned so brightly in. i'm glad i was there.

closing door
last week i mentioned jana being at church. she was here again, i didn't notice her until we were on our last verse. but i kept singing. I wondered why she was here, now i know. She's here for her old boyfriend. the one who had broken her heart, twice now. i suppose a part of me had hoped she might feel something toward me. but no. i was wrong. I need to close the door on this. i need to move on. i made that mistake with Rachel and with sarah, and with lenora. she doesn't feel anything for me. It will take time, but i need to keep working on my evasive techniques so that i won't be near her. one word from her and my heart soars, which is why i need to stay away, eventually that feeling with fade, it's been 5 months and i've noticed it changing. if she is going to be going back to our ward with this fellow, i don't find myself staying in the ward much longer. I have rarely ever made a spiritual connection with anyone, then i find her, only to lose her. I can't be near when she falls in love with him further and i have to witness it every sunday. i don't have that strength. I know in time, maybe, just maybe i'll find someone else that touches me in that way, that fills the depth of my soul with the sound of joy and gladness. I suppose time will tell. but fact is i need to close this door and walk away. and remember the important things i life, that joy i feel in the gospel, that cheer i feel with my friends.

non-dancing fool

What a weekend of busy-ness. so much going on this weekend that i didn't even have time to watch any movies i really wanted to watch.

FRIDAY
Evening at the park
I love the girls in our ward, they are so much fun and they are quite active. tonight we got invited to have a birthday party/bbq for a few girls in the ward. We met at sugarhouse park and had a nice time visiting. no one brought any games, we spent most of the time talking, eating, and watching our waistlines grow. very fun evening, except for the exploding firewood. luckily no casualties. I gave up my chance to see the movie UP to go to the party, it was well worth my time.

SATURDAY morning
run
I had run thursday evening to get in some heat training and about died. usually i can get 6 to 8 miles without any water, during the cold or early morning, before i get dehydrated enough to need water. On thursday i ran 3 miles and was out, by my 4th mile i was about to drop, It wasn't that hot about 85, but because i ran most of the winter outdoors, my body was used to the cooler weather and worked like crazy to keep my body temp from overheating. this morning, i got about mile 2 and felt dizzy, saw stars and about freaked, i walked a bit, and kept going when i got my faculties back. I got to my 5th mile and i felt better, but my knee started to hurt again, so pulled back my pace. by mile 6 i called it and went home. transitions are always difficult, though i'm glad to run without having on my arctic gear, too much heat can be very hard. Still, it was a pleasant morning and just glad i didn't keel over.

temple
Our ward had a temple sealing session this morning also. I had not done a sealing session since my last day on my mission in the phillipines. But it was a great experience and convinced me all the more, no matter how great the lady is, I will marry only in the temple, not just for myself, but the benefit of our marriage, for the benefit of our children. I want my children to be born under the covenant, so when we teach them of temple marriage and keeping the commandments, we might set an example for them that has meaning, hopefully, helping them in their own choices to follow heavenly Father's plan and also marry in the temple. As i Knelt at the altar and helped to do this work for the departed, i could feel the spirit of their acceptance of this wonderful gift, that children can be sealed to their parents, that husband and wife can be sealed not just for time, but also for all eternity. this is one of the most beautiful teachings that the church has, and to be part of that, is amazing, a unique blessing from heaven.

SATURDAY night
truck pickup
I've been so fortunate to have the use of Adrian's truck to do my dances. I have enough equipment that a truck is very necessary. I don't mind the drive to provo to pick it up. I enjoy the drive down, as long as the traffic isn't too bad. Still, the highway brings out the crazies, people who think they can drive, but very clearly don't. my biggest concern are the slow guys who travel in the fast lane and don't move over when they have a whole train of people following after them. it is an unwritten road rule that people in that lane as a courtesy should move over and allow people to get by them. Not enough people do that. why is it so hard for people to just be nice. I was just thankful and blessed to get off the highway without incident.

thedance
I was dj'ing a dance, at the parley's stake building. first dance in a while, not since january, but this was a tri-ward dance and so expecting a crowd. I had purchased a new light and a new stand. plus a new fog machine. I didn't use it much that night since i didn't want to set off the fire alarms. still, we moved the dj stand to the west end middle of the floor, which i loved, it helped me not to use so much of my amp to travel the length of the floor and the subs on the floor absolutely added bass to the floors vibrations. Before i started i said a prayer to help me with the dance. Dances for large groups are often difficult because so many people attend with a large variety of tastes in music. thankfully i was able to get a mix together that people enjoyed, Heaven does answer prayers. It was a fun night overall, Teresa kept me on my toes with my music selection, and for the most part, it looked as though people enjoyed themselves. People kept asking me when i was going to get out on the dance floor, i couldn't i needed to concentrate on the music, to keep it flowing. I ran and got some watermelon, on the way i danced with teresa for like 30 seconds, then back to the music, so i did dance, however briefly. I didn't play all the songs i wanted, but i think we played the songs everyone needed. it was a fun night. I didn't get to bed until 2am, after i had gotten all my equipment loaded and put away, i think i might need to look for help with this. just takes time and takes a tremendous amount of effort to get everything setup and taken down. still, it was worth it to see them enjoy themselves, and hopefully there were some hookups tonight. time will tell. Heaven answered my prayers about the music.

SUNDAY
church choir practice
I had gotten up early this morning to take my cousins truck back to him so when i got back it was almost 9, i still needed to put the ward email announcements out and get ready, I needed to clean up after the dance as my apartment was quite the mess. somehow i got it done. and got to choir practice on time. we are learning two songs, and we had the stake choir director, sister bennion come and direct us. The songs are coming along and I love how she directs us, to sing and remember the words we have available. had a good number attending, It was a great moment. I love singing, i'm a baritone, can't go too high, can't go too low, just right smack dab in the middle. it suits me. my tone is coming along, need to work on improving my strength, my volume and other dynamics that help a singer express the feelings of his heart. when i sing, i find comfort to my soul that helps me feel that i can be a better man.

heaven visits
For the second week in a row, Janna has come to church. and each time, she throws me into a fit of sorts. After her last email to me expressing the non-feelings for me and her giving her affections to another, i was much inclined not to speak to her for fear of making a fool of myself. I had expressed to her how much i had admired her and loved being with her, then to be turned away so abruptly, my heart was still in shambles. today was no exception, typically a girl distracting me is very normal, but she was heavenly this day. she wore a red dress i had never seen her wear before, I cannot express her gentle beauty. the fact she sat almost right in front me made her hard not to notice, i did everything to keep from getting eye contact with her. I kept my eyes in my cebuano book of mormon for most of the meeting. I couldn't help noticing everything about her. she cut her hair, she's more tanned. She was a vision. I don't know why she's here. She should be back east with her new boyfriend. I can't speak to her, it's hard enough to see her and i get all a-twitter. What makes it more difficult, is that I felt her spirit. and she touched mine in a way that few have ever done. that has made it hard to move on. but i know I need to. Why invest in something when the return is nothing, she feels nothing for me, there is no expected future prospects. yet, why am i so inclined to her. It might have helped to not have had that dream about her. I figure, i have two options. the only ways i have to be cured of her bewitchment over me. leave her be, she will meet the man she should marry, thus breaking my heart further, no, destroying it so that from it's ashes, might spring anew some other emotion, some other dream to follow. she needs to get married so that the virtues i honor and posses about marriage, will forever remove my hope of ever being with her. she will be happy, she'll have a solid home. she'll do fine without me. but still the hope i still bear, torments me. I long to be with her, yet cannot, to touch her hand, to dance with her. to see her smile. so much i don't know about her. it is hope that maybe some how something will change and she might want to be with me. But i am wrong, how can i think that, when she so clearly wrote me off as someone she could not love. later that night. i knelt in prayer, i thanked my Father in Heaven, for seeing her despite the difficulty of my pain. Seeing her is always a blessing, and that is something i should always be thankful for. i need to find hope in another dream.

My 4th marathon

I was able to reach my latest running goal, finish a marathon under 5 hours. I did that last week for the Ogden marathon. my finishing time 4: 52. Such an awesome feeling. Every marathon i've run so far i've had to run with some strange injury that occurs the weeks preceding the race. Like some kind of running curse. Still, i've finished all the races i've run. this is my 4th marathon, the first time running Ogden. The Reviews for Ogden were tops and they were right. This was such a well organized raced, from checkin to crossing the finish line.

Early morning wakeup
Ok, 3:45 in the morning is early by anyone's standards. the buses were scheduled to leave at 5am, but parking for over 1500 runners tends to go away quickly so i needed to get there at 4:30 to get a good place to park. I found a place by the DMV parking and trotted on my way to the buses a few blocks away. everyone walking to the buses looked groggy and the wind from the south wasn't making things easier. We boarded an old school bus and got under way. all the buses started up the canyon at the same time, went in one long train. So awesome to wakeup before the sun arrives. I'm not a morning person, but i do live a great sunrise. We got past Eden and then the windows fogged up. very cold outside. We got to 13 miles outside Eden at a park and they already had the firebins setup. this was at 5:55am, we still had over an hour left before the start of the run. so everyone just huddle together and did the best they could to stay warm.

start of race
Here was the start, 7am, everyone got to the finish line. as i walked past the pace signs, mine got larger and larger, from 6 minute per miles to 7 to 8, till got to 10 minutes. here was my group. we all looked like we were casual runners and we were, i like fitting in. more people crowded behind me, but with the start of every race, there are jitters, no matter how seasoned you are, you have the feeling inside and gets to your stomach. the shot went off, but it was still 3minutes before i actually got to the start line. Again, alot of people. only thought in my head: here we go again.

first half of run
Getting into a rhythm is probably the most important start for a long run. not only mentally, but physically your body gets into that motion of movement that helps it run long enough to endure the entire race. that is how things felt for my first 4 miles, i had just over a 9 minute pace, and kept it, at mile 5 i started to feel my energy start to give, had my first power bar and my first Gu packet, energy now back and start back again. same thing, but this time at mile 8.5 started feeling again so slowed down just a tad, dropped to a 10 minute pace and held that, then i ran into someone at work, i knew there were people at work there just so many people that i couldn't find them. so we talked for a bit, then just chatted with people along the way. at mile 11 found another person we talked until mile 13. she was running the relay portion with her husband. great talking, She went at a slower pace than I but was fun talking, so my pace dropped a bit, still, it wasn't so much about how fast as it was finishing. at the half way point alot of people dropped off for the relay. new faces to recognize.

2nd half of the race.
the first hill happened just at mile 14. heading toward Ogden and It was quite the hill for about half a mile. This was too much for me so did a walk/run up the hill, which actually helped me conserve my energy. Once i got to the top, i felt my second gear kick in and had plenty of strength to go much faster. It started going down hill again. at mile 15 they had another powerbar station, picked one, but it was really kind of dry, once i put it in my mouth my stomach seized around it and I about dropped, bad powerbar. by mile 17 i was hurting and half about to throw up. i needed food and water, but could barely keep it down. my muscles started hurting at this point. in fact, two weeks ago at a ward activity i fell into a hole playing ultimate frisbee. landed right on my knee and bruised it on the side on my left knee. i could still walk, even run, but it was still tender going into the run. at mile 18, it started hurting badly. had to slow down alot. dropped my pace to 14 minutes, had no choice but to do a run until it hurt, then walk, most of this was downhill so was ready for it. so kept going, i could usually go about 1/4 mile before it would get bad, but just kept going. by the time i got out of the canyon at mile 23, i was relieved i had come this far so i picked up my pace, still doing the run walking, but pushing the pain aside, i just pushed it faster, my muscles were out of rhythm so it took time, i was certain my time was over 5.5 hours, but still kept going, even half mile out from the finish line, i so wanted to just hoof it, knee wouldn't let me, running any faster and it would start to buckle. so ran as best as i could practically limping, at 100 yards, i could see the finish line, it was under 5, just just gutted it out and got my goal.

finish line
There is something so pleasant about the finish line, not so much the crowds still there cheering, or the fact that you can stop running and get food and whatnot. but crossing that line, somehow something inside you changes. It has happened every race. I think this is what drives me to run all the races i run. I don't care about coming in first, i know running when i am older, speed isn't the biggest issue. finishing and finishing well is the best kind of goal to have in any endeavor one pursues.

overall the Ogden marathon has been the best of all the ones of done before. Very well organized. Each station had plenty of food and water, every location had friendly and helpful people, and I felt like i was part of a group of friends rather than running by myself. They even had bags of ice for each person at the finish. I definitely want to do this again next year. The scenery was also very nice, most of the run was through the canyons. Even up in Eden, most of that farmland, all so very green, it wasn't too hot, wasn't too cold. just perfect. coming into Ogden at mile 23, you change and run along the river trail, which is covered with trees and bypasses all the major streets. out of 5 stars i'd give this a 5. My next run is just a half marathon, the bear lake half, then i'm up in the air about which one to do next. This will be my 7th half marathon. I have graduate school coming up and need to get focused on preparing for this 2-year run in my life. should be interesting.

Bright Spring Mornings

Four things happened to me this weekend.

Friday Night dance
I was very excited to get some dancing in this night. this past week had been rather difficult and I had a need to vent some of my frustrations on the dance floor. Ballroom dancing is so much fun, even more so when you have a partner that knows what is going on. fortunately on ballroom nights there are usually alot more girls than guys so finding a partner isn't too difficult. I got there a little late as i made a quick showing to my friend holly cox's graduation party. She is such an amazing woman, i'm glad i'm often on her good side. But getting to the dance, well for a change, we had more guys, so since they were just going through the foxtrot, a dance they did last time, i just sat this out for now. they had a good 30 to 40 couples already there and the soft couch was calling for me anyways. As i sat there, i noticed a new girl walk in, she reminded me of a girl on the show firefly. just blonder. then i saw kristin come in and they were together. Kristin is one of the fabulous dancers that goes there often. She's very pretty and so much fun. very friendly and i consider her a friend. She went with the girl and tried to get her caught on on how to dance the foxtrot. rather hard alone. she asked me if i knew, i said i did and we walked through the dance. Her name was Amy. and She was just beautiful. brown eyes, a smile that would stop anyone in their tracks. and when i held her hand, It just seemed so natural to hold her, like we fit perfectly for each other. I digress into something more. but, we walked through the dance steps and spent much of the next 45 minutes dancing with her, giving her little pointers, and she picked it up rather quickly. i'm sure she grew tired of being with just me, so i dancing with kristin again, she's had some training so we did a few more steps, for the next song, i got back with Amy and she was glad to be with someone who knew what to do, her words. She did great. she said she'll be signing up for more classes. I liked talking to her. she's an RM that served in greece and just graduated from BYU. yaayy, another member. not many members go to the dance classes, well single people anyways, they do have couples but they are married of course. then she mentioned that kristin, her cousin was also a member. I would have never guessed she was a member. my mistake for judgements. i'm bad at that. Kristin does dress too modestly, though she is beautiful, just never thought she was a member. But as the main dance started, i tended to drift away because, well, i didn't want to take up all her time, they were cousins. i hope to see her again. She was a most perfect woman. I mentioned to her she has a natural rhythm to her dancing. she was picking it up so quickly. I suppose time will tell. at least with all the drama i had faced lately, It is good to learn how to move on. that the heart can handle so much emotion. I don't think this will go anywhere, she is like so far out of my league. still, it was great dancing with her.

ward talent show
Saturday night we had our ward talent show. I was in charge of the sound so setup my sound system. I use a mackie mixing board, which can hold 8 mics. we had only setup 4. there is so much talent in our ward, singers and performers, it was an amazing fun night. we had singers, we had dancers, we even had a band. Problem with the band is that my mixer wasn't designed for instruments, more for voices. so we had a mix of our stuff and their stuff, and it turned out great. I can't remember their name, but they were great. Later big suprise was neil, was amazing, his voice and his guitar, just great. Rachel did awesome on her guitar as well, she had her friend Lynn serve as her mic stand. Juliann did a chacha dance. perhaps the highlight of the night was the bishopric. they got up in some swimsuits and did a synchronized swimming routine on the stage, with a large blue tarp serving as the water. They were so excited doing their routine that one got hurt, Curtis, he broke his wrist. he didn't show up the next day for ward council. But everyone had fun, good food, and friends. a perfect night.

Temple Surprise
For some reason, Saturday morning after my run, i was relaxing, recovering from the run and was getting my self prepared to go to the temple, all i could hear, in my mind was wait until 12 to go to the temple, do not go sooner, or later, leave at 12 noon. so, i made plans to leave at 12 for reasons unknown to me. I had been working at the genealogy library and had 3 names of my ancestors that needed their work done. I was planning on doing their baptisms and their initiatories that morning, but waited until 12. when i got there. I was being directed to the baptistry and then i saw him, Joseph Brown, from back in Shiprock. i did a double take and it was him. I have known him since he joined the church years ago. he had been dating a girl in our ward, barbara. The whole group of them i had know for a while. they have always been good friends. but since i live here, i don't keep in contact with them as much. he was in a hurry i said hi and he left, but i noticed he had on the pink slip to show he was there for his own endowments. then down the hall i saw her, barbara, i ran to meet them, hey what are you doing here. she was in tears, with her two daughters, just overjoyed, they had just been there to receive their endowments and then they were sealed together as a family. It was amazing to see them and i gave her a hug, they were wonderful. i had just caught them as they got out of the session. if i had come earlier, just even minutes earlier, i would have missed them and just a tad later, and the same thing, i would have missed them. I thank my Heavenly Father for helping me with my timing, that i might be there to celebrate in such a joyous event. I'm thankful i listened to the spirit's voice. Such a perfect moment.

Morning Run
This saturday morning, i was planning on running just 15 miles. I am training for the ogden marathon in 3 weeks. I got up early at 5:15. I could still hear the rain falling, I knew it would be cool, but still got ready. It was still dark when i left, but enough light that I could see the clouds in the sky. I got to my 3rd mile and noticed the difference in the trees. all green, thick foliage on most the underbrush with long shoots of grass all around. the smell was an amazing refreshment, and often reminds me of when all things were created, that first mist that settled on the Garden of Eden. the rain had stopped and i kept pressing forward. on my 8th mile i ran by some houses that had flowers, i missed that. with only running the winter, i had no smells, well no good smells to accompany, but here it was again. by mile 14 i was tired, but moved alot nicely. i usually finish my last mile in the park. spring was definitely here and declaring her power of the earth. such a perfect morning. I left a bit more tired, and thought my mileage was off, so i checked on my computer when i got home, i had run 16.25 miles, not the 15 i thought i had. still, i was happy to finish. I love having great weekends.

Tough Weekend

So glad to have made it past this week. For some reason it was just the toughest weekend I've had in a long time, well a week's worth of just difficulty. I found out a week and a half ago, a good friend of mine from high school just passed away. His name was Brett. He was our student body president and just one of those amazing souls you every now and then get to encounter. Always bright and never a bad word to say about him, he always spoke well of others and lifted others around him. You always felt like you were in his good graces when you were around him. Suddenly on the day before Easter, at a party his family was having he vomited, then passed out and then he was gone. They said he had a heart attack. he was fit, very active with the community and his family. Such a loss. He leaves behind a wife and four children. I'm so Thankful for the Gospel of Jesus Christ, that we know that we will live again, that despite the tragedies we face, we can find joy in our lives to lift us past the sorrows.
I attended his funeral on Friday April 17, My birthday. It was held up in Eden, Utah. only about a 65 minute drive there from my place in Murray. The whole way there, it was hard to think positive. Today was my birthday, yet here i am at this time of great sorrow. the chapel was already pretty full when i got there so i sat right at the partition area that divides the chapel and the gym. Saw alot of friends from high school. some i had missed from our 20 year reunion late last year. It was amazing to see debbie again, still as beautiful as ever, an amazing daughter of Zion. I'm so glad she's my friend. then saw christy, another amazing woman. So talented, so very honest, just think the best of her. They are also the best mothers. Saw heather, about then mike and his wife becky came up to say hi, and mention my birthday, i didn't want to mention it, this day was about bret, but then i saw heather's face, she just felt to bad for me. Here was my birthday and i'm at a funeral. Saw kurt, so cool. he's a funny guy. The funeral went well, Great speakers, wonderful collection of homages to a great man. He lived great and I feel he set a wonderful example for us to follow in living our lives to the fullest, to have no regrets in how we conduct ourselves. in the end, what really matters, is family and friends, and living worthy to return back to the presence of our Heavenly Father. Afterwards, i went to heather to make sure it was ok, gave her a hug, she wished me a happy birthday, i said thanks. today was about brett, things were ok. i didn't have the heart to go to the gravesite, so i went home. I listened to the Mormon Tabernacle choir on the way back, just kept listening to My shephard will supply my need. we sang it for our choir a few weeks back and i know the men's part very well, and i just sang my heart out and cried, over and over again. my way of handling my grief.
I didn't really celebrate my birthday, my heart just wasn't in it. today was about bret and it just felt wrong to celebrate when i felt so much sorrow inside. i kept it quiet, mostly kept at home and rested. I did go to eat out, but still, not in the mood, so as part of my birthday i bought some icecream. I know, wild and crazy, but it really was all i felt i could do.
Earlier in the week, i finally got a message from the girl i had been talking about. needed to get it straight about how things were between us. I simply let her know, how i felt, and that if she felt otherwise, to please tell me, that it would hurt, but simply saying nothing was the greatest pain for me. She let me know she had found someone else, and she had no romantic feelings for me. she said she realized she had broken my heart, and then after that, her words were in a way to try and cheer me up, but it didn't have that effect. instead it felt that she joyed in my sorrow. perhaps her way of getting closure on her last boyfriend who had dumped her. In my letter i said that all she had to do was tell me and that i would never bother her again on the matter, and i never shall. she said she would still like to go hang out and do some dancing, but i can't do that. I can't pretend what i felt wasn't real and then hang out in casual acquaintance. the moment i touch her hand, or hear her voice, all emotion will flood back and engulf me. no, I cannot be near her, and now i understand, why things end. Why they can't be the same. I know i'll find someone else, Just takes time to get to that point. it isn't something i can just turn on and off, like a switch, i know my heart doesnt' act that way. I never made much of an impression on her and so she doesn't have much to move away from. So we have trials, difficulties that we face, just part of life, just hope i can weather these storms. Such a hard week.
now, to the one bright spot. I ran in the salt lake city half marathon Saturday. Such a perfect morning, not too cold, not too hot, there was a slight overcast and kept wind out of the picture. I ran my goal which was to finish under 2 hours, I finished at 1:58.22, woohoo. so excited, when i saw the time at the end, i just kicked it. my first race running healthy and first race i ran all the way, except for one pit stop at mile 10, I really had to pee from mile 2 but held it as much as i could, but 10 was it, needed to get to the bathroom. They changed the course a little bit so at mile 12, it was an uphill through state street to west temple. an uphill at the end of the race, and it was gradual enough to give you plenty of opportunities to stop, but i didn't, i slowed down, but i pressed forward. and finished, that is the best part of the race, finishing. when you cross that line, that sense of accomplishment, and amazing feeling. i was beaming. I didn't care about the finishers medal, i wasn't doing it for anyone but my own goal. So this makes my 6th half marathon to date, i've still got 2 more to do this year, and hopefully i can get in 2 marathons. these are my goals. this was a good day, even if my quads are sore. it was a great end to a very bad week. I'm glad i finished my race.

true warmth

There have been a few times in my life, when the Spirit of God has descended upon me, like a huge warm blanket that envelopes the soul. The first time i ever recall feeling that way was when i a child and was reading the bible. The book had illustrations as part of its teaching and it had this picture of Jesus surrounded by the children, the look of love upon his face and his great concern to their welfare came at a time when i was deep under the throes of physical and mental abuse from my step-father. I remember the spirit resting upon me and comforting me, testifying to me that these things were true. that there was a God that loved me and cared for me, i was probably 8 years old. Later, much later, i felt that same spirit when i received the melchezekek priesthood. So much power was manifested that day that all those involved with my ordination, were filled with the spirit of God, all were in tears and i felt my soul swarmed about the with the fires of Heaven. I had such an amazing experience. Then again, i felt the spirit and his power when i went to the temple to take out my endowments. that experience i will not speak of, it is very sacred. should i ever meet you in the temple and you should ask me, if the spirit directs i would share this with you.
Earlier this month, I went with our ward to the bountiful temple for our monthly temple trip. i had not been to the bountiful temple in a number of years, yet, here i was, and only got lost once getting there. but after i parked the car and walked nearer the temple, the spirit again, visited me, and i felt the spirit envelope me again, and fill my heart with such power, i felt i were to be consumed on the spot. I went through a session, a normal session. nothing else happened outside of that, but i remember, I remember how the spirit has on occassion visited me not only to help me, but to testify of certain things, of the power of the priesthood, of the divinity of Jesus christ, of the power of the endowment, and of the wonderful power of the temple. Something special about the bountiful temple, i feel, this place will have some bearing in my future, perhaps where i will marry in the temple, but of a certainty, i believe the holiness of the temple and i find myself renewed in my efforts to keep all the commandments of God and live true and faithful so that i might receive all that the Father has for us as his children.
I know not, why God has seen fit on occassion to bless me so abundantly, when so many around me never receive such experiences. I feel humbled that i might, even for those moments, find grace at his hand that mercy carries me from my present troubles and cares, to a place much closer to his love and protection. I am truly grateful for his friendship.

temple dedication

Over the weekend the Draper Utah Temple held their temple dedications, twelve sessions in all. the last session was broadcast over closed circuit tv to all the stake centers in Utah, this was Sunday afternoon. We had ours at the Parley's stake center. We had to end our meetings short for that evening so we only had sacrament and priesthood. We then needed to leave while they prepared the building to serve as an extension to the temple dedication. So to enter we needed to have our temple recommends. It felt great being there, even more so when they started. I just read my scriptures until it started. I've been trying to finish my Book of Mormon in Cebuano and not quite there yet. but close. Scott green came and sat by me. he is leaving this next week to move to California. hope he does well there. The ceremony went great with a variety of speakers. and the dedication was very inspiring. It was given by president Monson. I remember the feeling of reverence as we all participated and during the final song, singing "The spirit of god" was just wonderful. I started tearing up and then pulled my voice back, i felt wrong for doing that. if anything i should have sung louder, but didn't want to make a scene. still, such a wonderful evening. I was able to go through the temple tour twice, but now, next time i go back. the Spirit of God will be there and The house will be Holy. I've got a few more names to finish for my family before i start up again, but i can't wait to go back. I was able to go to the Jordan river temple Friday night, and then again on Saturday evening to the Salt lake City Temple. I picked up the female names i had left there for them to do the endowments. they didn't do them, so i got them names and i've asked the family history committee to help me and they said they would. So i then went through an endowment session. I just went home afterwards as that morning i had run an 18 miler and was still recovering for the run. I feel better now. but will give me one more day to heal up. need to taper a bit for my half marathon next week. that morning was such a beautiful morning, first over the mountains the clouds had gathering into the swirl of reds that filled the sky in brilliant swaths of fire. it stopped me in my tracks during my run, farther along, the sky changed into a yellow brilliant light that got brighter and brighter, much like fire burns white hot, it just filled the mountain tops, as though God were there visiting and showing all who would look up that he was there. I'm so glad i run so early in the mornings, i would have otherwise missed such a beautiful sunrise. Sunday we had the priviledge of having the sister missionaries perform a musical number for sacrament. they were awesome, i'm glad we have such faithful sisters and they share their talents and their spirits with everything that they got. reminds me of my mission days, although no where as near as awesome as our sisters.
After speaking with my friends. i've come to realize, I need to move on. It's been a whole 2 months since i've had any communication with the girl. She has not written, called, texted, emailed, nothing to show any interest whatsoever. time to move on. I was so sure about this one. not just from what i felt, but from being with her and from my dreams. I dream alot of things, many of which come true. I've had glimpses of who i should marry over the past 20 years, but that is all glimpses, never her face or her name. just some object of her that i remember. her hair, our children, the place we would live, where we would be together downtown, then mix that with my patriarchal blessing. this girl fits like 95 percent of these things. the one wild card in all of this, happens to be her choice, i could never force her to get together with me, nor should anyone be forced. I did what i was supposed to do, and if she never opens the door, well, i can't do anything about that. that dream i had in january, was with her, I would knock and she would open the door, then i was able to see what things would be should we be together, but on the opposite side, i could see what would be should she choose not to. She will have a good life, build some beautiful things out of her life. But i've got to move on, i've got to keep living my life. perhaps God will bless me with new dreams, in fact i know that as i place my trust in my God, he will lead me on. i've had dreams of other girls, dreams telling me what life would be like with them, why it would or wouldn't work and so i know that somewhere down the line, i'll find someone that we match and we'll be able to go to the temple and be married for time and all eternity. the thing about my dreams, though they often come true, I should always approach them with trust in my Heavenly Father. they can change on occasion. As my circumstances have changed and as my faith has developed and i've grown, either i see more in my dreams or they become more profound. some dreams frighten me, for the things that will happen, others of the past serve to enlighten me and grant wisdom upon me. like my other spiritual gifts, they need fine tuning, but the source, i must always confirm the source, that it comes from God. this last one had so much detail so much symbolism, relating to the gospel. I knew it's source. still, one big thing i learned this weekend, that God has a plan for all of us, and what part i have in that plan, depends on my choices. so now, i choose to move on and need to move on, or i'll miss on something great. I remember a dream i had of woman made of stone, no matter what i did, she was stone, but even then, i tried to be close, but what affection does stone have, in my efforts i lost a really great girl, a true friend who i dearly loved, She's happy now, has her own family and serves to remind me that holding onto things that i should let go of, will have me miss other things along the way i really should pay attention to hope and not despair, for how can i see the world with my head constantly down, i must life my eyes and extend my gaze. I will put my trust and my faith in my God and keep moving forward.

one small step for me

Ok. so over the weekend. i got some amazing news. I just got accepted into the Executive MBA program here at the University of Utah. The news just brightened up my saturday. The downside of the news, i've got to pay 2,000 for the initial tuition payment before the 27th. still. It feels good that i can use my time constructively. the program lasts just 21 months, but by the end, i'll have my MBA. woohoo. Saturday was just so full of fun stuff. I ran my 12 miler and felt good doing it. i'm getting used to that distance and my recovery didn't take too long either. later that night i was ready to run some more. I feel confident i'll be fine for the upcoming 2 half marathons i've signed up for. hopefully i can get my goal of 16-18 by the end of the month.
Over the past few months i have been obsessed with getting my geneology work done. I've had names, even dates, but not to get to the temple. and this week i did it. I got names for my family into the templeready system and took their names to the temple. the baptisms and confirmations were already done, just needed to get the rest. I was able to get the others done and even got one endowment session in before my salsa class. I forget sometimes just how beautiful the SLC temple is. I have not gone as much as i know that i can, and can't wait to get back again and get more names taken care of. Temple work is so important, not only for the salvation of the souls in question, but for our own salvation as well.
Sunday we had ward conference. before that we were to have ward council meeting, have to thank curtis for telling me about the meeting 35 minutes before it started. man, i showered and dressed in 5 minutes. out the door after printing the calender items for the meeting in another 5 minutes. cruised at mach speed to the church, luckily no cops. and made the meeting with 3 minutes to spare. it was a fine meeting, just nervous because the stake president sat right next to me. I love his testimony and feel the geniousness of his love and concern for all of us. We sang in choir next, the number turned out excellent. We sang the hymplicity of I know that my redeemer lives. just turned out great melinda wooden, in the choir, started out with the first verse as a soloist. she did great. then we sang in the rest. and then the 4th verse the congregation joined in, and boy did they ever, so over powering, i felt, they were singing their testimonies, i tried to hold back my tears. it was wonderful. We had so many people there than we usually do. typically we setup 7 rows of chairs and they fill up, on occasion we will have to add one more row, but that day, 11 rows of chairs were needed. very much a full house. The bishop gave a great talk and the rest of the day was just perfect. We got to hometeach Fran. always a treat to visit her. I love saturdays and Sundays that not only fill my soul with accomplishment and wonder, but help keep me centered on the things that really matter. one sad note though, my friend teresa bramwell lost her father over the weekend. I hope all is well with her, or will be, any lost is hard to take, especially our loved ones. my thoughts and prayers are with her and her family.

cuddling with my running shoes

I know i write often about my running. usually to report any accomplishment i've done, or some unusual happenings. This weekend however, was a great weekend. I reached my first 14 miler. I'm used to running 6 miles a day so the first 12 weren't bad. when I hit thirteen, my body rebelled and i really had to fight to finish that list mile. still, it felt great to get that far.
I almost bought my first snowboard boots this weekend. i went to backcountry.com and tried on a pair of boots. they were way to tight. so ordered new ones, but i waited for 25 minutes in their lobby before the guy that was supposed to get them said they would be right up. looks like the dude forgot me. so i just left. will be another day. but i'm determined to get out at least once this season, even for a few moments. I need to get some use out of my board.
Later that day i had my 3rd class in Intro to Salsa, I really like our teacher, heather. she's so much fun in her teaching. She asked me to help in one of her dances and i froze, so i requested we start again, and went better the second time. she's such a powerful personality. I like going to that dance club. i'm sure to be taking the next ballroom and salsa class there. Dancing was something i loved so very much when i was at byu and have felt badly about neglecting that affection. So going back has been a wonderful experience.
i was going to just rest the remainer of the day but some girls from the ward invited a few of us over for a game night. i was pretty fun. just hung out and played games. we tried guiatine, a gamea bout the french revolution where you get to behead nobles. next was cranium. also a fun game, but harder that it sounded, i feel much more complacent with my incompetence now, but more adept in my sculting skills. we then played a game called spoons. never heard of it before so it was a challenge. got my but kicked. which was ok. it was fun. headed home because with my training schedule i really need to get sleep for my body to recover. feel good today. but will see if i can run tonight, there is a major snow storm coming in tonight.
sunday was an excellent day. went to choir practice. we had to change the song we were singing because we are singing for ward conference next week. and the songs we were going to sing just weren't polished enough. this is the 3rd week in a row that the guys have outnumbered the girls in our choir. the sounds are beginning to mesh well. i hope we can continue to progress. we will be singing i believe in christ. such a wonderful testimony song. juliann's warmups are so good, just help to really get my vocals in sync. it feels so great to let my voice go and sing my testimony of the Gospel. such a wonderful feeling. later that afternoon i had an interview with the bishop to get my temple recommend. just need my stake interview now. it was a very great day.

Hallucinary weekend

This weekend has been one of the stranger weekends that i've had. last week I got sick on Sunday of all days. Just a 24 hour flu, but it knocked me out for all of Sunday and most of Monday. So i took Tuesday off my running schedule to recoup. I ran wednesday instead, just my usual 6 miles, however, afterwards, my leg hurt, leftside on fire from my calf down to my toes. only for a few seconds and then it was gone, I thought it was just something with the way my leg was propped, up so it went away, next day, thursday, ran another 6 miler, i wanted to make sure I kept up with my running schedule and get my mileage in, no pain this time, but i was feeling tired. The next day, friday, i did something i had never done before, ran for three straight days. Ran my usual 6 miles, and felt really good about it. wasn't as tired as before, but was feeling a little sore, having run three times in a row at that distance, was beginning to take a toll. That night i went to the Ball room social for the Salsa in utah dance club. It was fun, remembered alot of things i thought I had forgotten, but still, enjoyed myself. My samba needs alot of work, lost my hips. my cha-cha, so many moves i just don't remember anymore. i was out till 10 but decided to run the next morning, so four days in a row, a new record, but pushed my body passed what it had ever done before, this morning i was determined to run 10, which i did eventually. at around my 7th mile, my body was feeling it, my fuel gauge was near empty and my body was letting me know it. i walked a little bit to get my legs again, and got back into a rhythm. i was running back south on state street just past 4500 south, then i saw a car turn in front of me. i wasn't paying too much attention, the car was far enough in front of me to not be a problem. however, when i looked back up to see where the car had turned into, it was into this small opening between two buildings. this opening was full of grass, trees, and misc junk the owners had piled there. i looked again, i swore the truck had turned into this very location, but how could a truck be there when in fact it looked as if nothing could fit in that location. at this time i was pretty certain, i had reached a training limit and must have been seeing things. I walked at this point to make sure i was still possessing ones faculties, and realized the truck had turned a bit earlier than i saw, and was spacing out the location. still it freaked me out. A little farther down, same thing, but it was a man, walking into a wall that had no door. i double checked again, saw the door, but realized that i had some sort of spaced out delay that just didn't see what i saw when i thought i saw it. it was fun though to think that i was seeing things. I get so focused on my runs i tend to block out everything else. this just happened to be the case. still, after 8 miles i'm sure the tired state of my body wasn't helping me comprehend the spatial sequence of my running memory.
I love ending my runs with my warmdown in the park, this morning it was just wonderfully beautiful. all the birds, the clean air, the quiet awayness i feel underneath the trees. I hope heaven just has a huge park in the middle i can walk with my family chill out under the shade, enjoy a soft breeze and bask in morning light. I digress.
I finished my run with 10 miles, altogether, for the week i got in 28 miles, 2 less than last week, but i got my goal. my body was soo tired. to reward making my goal i had breakfast at IHOP. and then relaxed the rest of morning until my salsa class later that day. the class was fun, heather, our salsa teacher is so much fun and she makes everything interesting. I just went home to relax, later that night we had our death my chocolate party. back in november, we had a service auction for our Sub for Santa program. I got the death by chocolate. basically a huge dinner party with nothing but chocolate dishes as the main courses. it was fun, the girls did a wonderful job and we all ate as much as we could. I left early. still feeling strange from my run and needed to rest.
the next day, went to church. I sing in the choir, i am a baritone, can't sing much higher, and can't go much lower, it fits for me in that range, i don't mind. if i have to chose i go with the bass side. still We have been getting alot of guys to choir now, in fact we have outnumbered the girls alot recently. Juliann Smith is our new choir director and she had two new songs for us. both were not familiar to me so i spent alot of time trying to get the notes right. and then in the corner of my eye, i saw janna walk into the chapel ever so briefly, and walk right out. it happened so quickly i was sure it was one of my hallucinations. i kind of did one of those bugs bunny double takes, shaking my head, that can't be her, and then stuck my head in my music. but what brief glimpse i saw of her, stuck in my head, just a moment and there she was, and then gone again. She has my heart to do with as she pleases. Over the past few weeks, i mentioned that since we went out, there have been an increasing amount of interest in me to date. lots of girls, many of them just very beautiful. but i always ended up thinking of Janna, and not them. it has been a great trial to me not hearing from her and even more so, in moments i just want to talk to someone. how can just a few hours with someone have such an effect on me and do nothing for her. Not sure how to answer that mystery. All i know, is what remains of my heart, is hers and hers alone. What a fool she would make of me, what things i would do for her, should she ask. I have done all i can, to the limits of our association. should i press more, then i would be stalking her, or pushing her further away. I have so many flowers i want to give, so many places i want to take her, so many walks around the park we can take, just being together, side by side. All i can do is wait, wait for her answer, or if her answer is silence, even then still, i must wait until she meets someone, falls in love, and breaks my heart completely. then will her grasp over me be broken, then i will be free from her to move on. until then, my thoughts are ever of her.

Sick does NOT equal Fun

I so dislike being sick. It happened soon after my run on Saturday. Usually I'm quite careful about what i do after my long runs, but somehow i had forgotten. Saturday I ran 12 miles and it was a good 12 miles. Afterward, my legs hurt, but weren't sore, I wasn't as fatigued as i thought i was going to be. In fact, i felt great, and my time wasn't too bad either, finishing in just 2 hours. I am careful after a long fun because for me, after 10 miles of running, my immune system gets compromised. after a long distance your body's white blood cell count gets lowered and leaves you susceptible to all kinds of germs if not careful. There being the problem. I wasn't careful. I'm sure this happened later that night.
I had gone down to BYU to watch the Living Legends performance. I had not attended one in a number of years and so felt it was time. I had purchased the tickets with the intent to invite Janna to go with me so she might get a small taste of my culture. But she couldn't go. She had a family obligation to attend to, her father's birthday. She apologized that she could not go and i replied informing her that she need not apologize for that. she should be with her family, especially a birthday party. I'm used to being by myself so going alone for me was more normal. although i would be lying if i didn't state that a part of me would miss her. In fact, during the performance, i kept thinking about what she would have liked or disliked. and afterwards, walking out i reflected on what might have been her opinion. My usual drive home was emtpy, no matter what music i played, i just wanted to hear her voice. so leaving in this distracted state, i was not as careful as i usually am with contact and with food, later eating without having washed my hands carefully. so sunday morning when i got up. I was hurting. as the day progressed, my strength so left me, in fact, i left sunday school and priesthood just to lie down on the couches in the foyer. I needed to stay so i could home teach. Paul, my home teaching partner, wasn't there that day and both Michelle and Fran were there and I needed to be there, i wanted to be there for them. After church i went home and crashed, the fever hurt, but I still watched the Academy Awards. I loved the show. I still have not seen Slumdog Millionaire, but now I feel obliged to.
Got up Monday morning, no better, so called in for work. i rested mostly and by midday my fever was gone, by later that afternoon, i had my appetite back. and so this tuesday morning, i feel stronger, but probably wont' run until wednesday. I really want to get out there, but i need time not only for my body to heal, but to gain strength again. 6 miles is still a long way to go. and if i run without that necessary strength i will get sick again, or passout. Either way should be a party, i'll have to adjust my running, probably run wed,thur,fri. and only a 10 mile run on saturday, which will give me less miles, but not too much less so mixed blessings. at least i can eat again. but i'll be staying away from those breakfast burritos.

dusted off my dancing shoes

Last night i went to the Latin Dance Studio at downtown SLC. I had signed up for three classes, one in ballroom level 1, next in latin social dance, and the last intro to salsa. I had taken ballroom before so really not worried about that. But the latin classes are dances i've never done before. so first class was latin social. that night they taught the Bachata, thank goodness. my whole last week for classes was in bachata, so tonight was a very good time to practice what i learned, remember what i had forgotten and enjoy myself, it was very pleasant, except for the fact that the guys outnumbered the girls 2 to 1. so we gathered in a circle and the girls would rotate around to each guy. it got hard to really get the new moves down so got used to dancing with air. still. it was fun.
our teacher is co-owner of the studio and he made it so fun. his jokes, his style of teacher, it was a hoot. the guy is funny. there were 2 girls from my old bachata workshop that attended so we at least got to get some good practice in with the newbies. next weeek will be the challenge. we will be learning merenge. never done that before so will see how it goes. i'll be the very much newbie then.
the next class was Ballroom level 1. i felt more at ease here. the class was loaded with people and to my surprise we had and exact boy to girl ratio so everyone had a partner. we were learning the tango tonight. one of my favorite dances. they asked if anyone had ballroom experience and i slightly raised my hands, truth was it had been 10 years since i had danced and really needed to get my basics down again, but one the floor, as she presented her information, it just came back to me. how i should hold my hand, my feet movements, my count to the music, it just was there again, granted i didn't remember all the moves i had known before, but my basics were there. and i was ready to dance, most of the girls there were very new to ballroom and not to tango at all. so as wel moved, they would be out of place or they wouldn't have a strong arm structure, feet work was misplaced, they lacked confidence. of course because this was a brand new dance to them. for me it was like magic, just the flow, the movement, it was so much fun to remember. i got complemented several times, telling me that i was the best partner they had that night. it was nice. not sure how the other dances will go, but can't wait to do the others, to see how much i remember. I was giving the girls pointers through the night, where to stand, to bend their knees in the stance so they can step back farther, to dance hip to hip on our open promonades. the hardest was their arm structure, many kept their arms weaker so it was harder for me to give them the signals to turn to where they should be, it takes time, with new partners, before you can read the signals and understand each other. suppose it's the samething in life.
my next class is on saturday at 2pm this is the intro to salsa, i'm really looking forward to this class, something that fun, i want to get the basics down and just excell in this. maybe one day i'll be fortunate to find a wife that loves this style and we can just dance all the time. i have yet to find one will to be with me. but i have hope and look forward to the future.
sadness part II
over the past few weeks, i've been trying to interact with a girl that i really genuinely love. but in the midst of my communications, she has stopped emailing me. no texts, no calling. it appears she will have nothing to do with my inquiries or invitations. i fear that i have asked her too soon after her breakup and have caught her in a situation where she wants nothing serious at the moment, even casual acquaintance seems out of the question. i seemed to have mucked things up again, my specialty. which is so unfortunate, two years waiting to ask her out, i get that chance and i didnt' even make an impression enough to capture her interests and more dates. i'm such a loser. if there were an olympic event in ending relationships of any kind, i'd have a closet full of gold medals. I almost feel as though i should have never asked her out, then i'd be free to love her in my ignorance. Free in my fantasy to hold her and to dream of the possibilities to be. but I would be wrong, i do not regret any moment spent with her. the long drive we had. the moments i made her laugh. holding the door open for her. holding her hand when we danced, embracing her when i thought she wasn't anywhere around. seeing her smile every sunday. and when she walked into the dance studio. she was so amazing and gorgeous. though our moments were short they were moments to remember. at least that much i can keep with me.

neglecting my blogging duties

things these past few weeks have been quite hectic to say the least, however, they have been activities which have been worthwhile and eventful. the following takes place in the last several weeks. this entry will be long. so if you like reading, i hope i do justice in explaining everything.

1. Temple in Draper
At the beginning of the month, our ward had scheduled to attend the open house in Draper, Utah. I am now the ward web specialist and so i get to know what's happening in the ward concerning activities. We were supposed to meet at 7:15 and then go on our tour, i got there at 6:45pm, and waited, no one showed up. i waited until 7:45pm and still, no one showed up. I still had to give them a chance and gave it 5 minutes and decided if they had not showed up by then, i'd go alone. During that time i was lost in the exterior beauty of the Temple. the lights, the glow from the granite walls, the shimmer from Moroni's trumpet. I used that time for reflection and enjoyed every moment. Still i would have preferred being with members of our ward, but that just didn't work out. I then walked through the temple, If you have never been, it is an amazing architectural structure and so much beauty around every corner. I took my time walking through, crowds of people passed quickly, i didn't pay attention to them. I'd stop at paintings, reflect on each story and move on. i'd touch the walls, feel the texture of the doors, even smelled the wood, which was imported from Africa. I just wanted to enjoy the experience. There was a young girl there, i'd say about 5 years old, she was there with her family and she wore a very pretty white dress. about half way through i found myself mixed in with their family. and for some reason she took to copying my movements. if i touched a curtain, she touched them on the opposite side, if i felt a door handle she did the same thing. when i moved in close to a wall too see what the wood smelled like (pinesol, they must have just cleaned) she did exactly the same. at the end, i heard her speaking to her father. he asked her what was her favorite part, she said the shimmering lights daddy, the shimmering lights. she was speaking of the crystal that surrounded many of the lights on the walls, including the amazing candelier in the celestial room. Her joy echoed my own in such a wonderful building. And that building will become all the more beautiful when it is filled with the fire from the Spirit of God which will shine forth as all other temples do, to rejoice and give praises to the God of Israel. This building certain does that for me. Even through i walked out the temple alone, i never really felt alone. It was a great experience.

2. lost my key
As many people know. i am a runner. I love it, usually after i've gone 3 or 4 miles. before that i always ask, what am i doing out here. but then when i get in a rhythm the cadence begins to carry me along, it is a wonderful feeling. I had gone running one night on my first very long run of the season, i got in a 9 miler. i usually end my runs with a warm down in the park, they have a series of stations setup to do pushups, or pullups or whatever. i did three of the stations, and then jogged home. when i got home, i reached into my pocket and my key was gone. Why when we lose something, do we try to reach in further only to find nothing. I pulled out the pocket and proceed to check the other pocket, which was no where near the other pocket during the run. i had no way of getting into my apartment, no neighbors were home. i had no phone numbers to call. i was completely alone, all very sweaty and cold. i felt so helpless. i tried to think where could it be, it could be anywhere between my place and the park. i went a few houses down to some neighbors who looked home and they generously allowed me to borrow their flashlight. as i walked outside, i pretended to kneel down to tie my shoes, but instead, in a slightly seclueded area, plead with my Heavenly Father, please, please help me find my key. i don't know how many times that thought came to my head during my run, to secure the key and to place a key outside hidden so i could find it under an emergency. every moment i remembered, and realized i deserved my despair for procrastining that bit of inspiration and forethought. still, i held hope that maybe, just maybe, God would have mercy on me and allow me to find my key.
i walked-ran the half mile back to the park. there were only three stations i was at that night. the first, where i did some pullups was empty. now, this was all at night, about 7:30, everything was very dark. the ground under the station was covered with wet wood shaving all scattered about. they were hard and cold, some frozen together in sheets of ice, others just frozen enough so you'd slip when you stepped on them. i scrambled around with the flashlight, and found nothing, my knees got very wet and i got even colder. a couple walked by wondering what i was going, they said good luck and walked away. alone, again, i knelt again and prayed, please, please help me find my key, i reached inside with all my heart, to humble myself before my God, seeking his help and his mercy for my own stupidity.
i got up walked to the second station, a pair of parallel bars i use to do leg lifts and work my triceps. also, very good for arm walks. this was on a hill and fortunately there was no snow, but still dark. with wet grass all around. I got on my hands and knees, i looked about again, where all this could be and found nothing. my heart began to sink, my hope faded and all i could think of was this is it, i deserved to lose my key, i deserved to be this lost for not listening to that voice that warned me before to be prepared. i knelt again and prayed, all the more fervently. then a voice, a quiet voice, but a voice, God cannot hear you. maybe he never could, maybe all the times before were just coincidence, he won't help you. you don't deserve to be heard. and for a moment, i doubted, for a moment i listened. But then i quickly caught myself and remembered all the good things God has done for me. and if it was his will that i shouldn't find the key, then let it be according to his will. it doesn't mean he won't hear me, it doesn't mean he won't hear me in the future, and it certainly doesn't mean he did not hear me in the past. I know that God hears and answers our prayers. I cannot deny that. ever. so again, in my heart, i plead even more, no matter if i find the key or not, i will always love you and trust you. forgive me my sins and my doubts. and please help me find the key.
there was only one station left. i walked over to it, still held onto shreds of doubt, but hopeful. this was two bars side by side, where you could do pushups off it, as well as inverted pullups. i had stopped here last and i approached it slowly, apprehensive, this also was dark with patches of snow. i got close shone my light to where i was and it wasn't there. my heart sunk,it could be anywhere along my running path, it could be anything where in the half mile it was to my home. then, a small voice, inside, said, step back. there, in the dark grass just behind me. was the key. I quickly grasped it and held it to my heart so precious this jewel was to me, and i knelt down there in the park and just over and over again, said thank you, thank you, thank you. i can't remember how many times i said it, but never wanted to let it go again. i didn't care if anyone could see me, walking home. i never let it out of my hand. in fact, i looked a couple of glances to see that i had actually held it in my hand. but it was there. i prayed when i got back inside, when i finally got to eat, i prayed with a grateful heart for the mercy that God had shown me, with a simple voice to step back and calm my heart, that trusting in God, and humbling ourselves before him is always the best thing to do. even searching for a little key.

3. Baby's first laugh
In the Navajo culture, we have a tradition, that the first person to make a newborn baby laugh throws a party in honor of the baby. that person pays for everything and is the MC for the party, this time it was my sister Shenna's turn, she got Monty's baby Maddy to laugh. Monty's family was visiting from hawaii, first time visiting home in years. it was great to see them again. I drove home, took an extra day off to be with everyone, while i was home we also had family pictures. My mom was fortunate enough to have her new house again. it is a beautiful house with high ceilings and alot of space. it was the first time for me in their new house. they did an excellent job. we had our family pictures together over near the Shiprock, the rock, all of us drove there. it was a fun drive. it was fun to teach the kids a little geology about the rock. they thought i was lying that the rocks they were playing on were from a volcano. but they still had fun. later at the party, we had dinner and alot of food, Monty, the other Harold and i held down the BBQ and the others got everything else ready. it was fun talking with him again. i love my brother and they have done a great job as a family to raise their children. it was a fun event to be home and be with everyone again. the next morning i had to leave early for choir we had rehearsed this song alot and i didn't want to miss out, frankly i just wanted to get back to see janna again. but i did really want to sing. then just before we were to sing, she informed us that she was going to be leaving the ward. i cannot express how my heart felt after this. i would miss her. and still miss her. she is a rare treasure and will be a wonderful addition to her ward. to anyone she meets. I know she had to leave the ward because she was living outside the ward boundaries. she stayed only because her boyfriend was in the ward. He was an idiot for breaking up with her. but, i figure I scared her out of the ward by asking her out to watch the dancer's company. still. it was remembering her that helped me get back safely. during my drive home, i got hit with a very bad snow storm, up the canyon from helper. it was a white out condition. i could not see the sides, or oncoming traffic, it was so bad, i couldn't even see the semi in front of me not even 10 meters. all i could see were the tracks of the truck. I prayed so much, for my life, just to get home again. I was able to see her again, and i count that a wonderful blessing. even is she isn't with me.
4. found a friend
well, It only took me two years, but i finally asked Janna out to do something. I had purchased tickets to go and watch the BYU Dancer's company. i love how they perform and i usually go to these things alone, but a thought came to me, maybe she'd want to go. i hesitated because, she had just had her heart broken. and i really didn't want to be rebound guy. but the last few times this has happened. i waited too long and she got swooped away by some other dashing gentleman. it was strange how everytime i made an attempt it was twarted in someway to keep us apart. everytime. and so when i asked her, i more than expected to hear her say she couldn't or she was busy or she was already with someone. but i had to ask. i had waited so long for another chance and even if it meant a rejection, i wanted to try. but when she said yes, i cannot express my joy, i picked her up at her place, not too hard to find, but seeing her all dressed up. she is so perfectly beautiful. and she has this amazing way of rendering me inarticulate. i kind of like that. but being a bumbling fool around her probably isn't going to help me win her heart. she has a gentle soul and an amazing laugh. we talked on the way there, just about everything, her family, friends, work and what not. she loves dancing as do i. we attended the concert in the pardoe theatre, the seats were really very good. the performance was great. i like the fact that when we talked we had to whisper and that had to be done in close proximity. afterwards i wasn't sure if i should take her to eat anywhere, she is very petite, most foods i eat really pack on the pounds. but on the way out she mentioned she was hungry, (answer to prayer because it meant spending more time together) so i said i knew a place, and we went to Tommy's burger. classic provo joint and had a burger, we just talked, well she did most of the talking, i enjoyed listening to her. it was a great evening. on the way back. she didn't want to listen to any music, just talk and we just did that, the drive home was far too quickly ended. i wanted to keep going and keep talking. the only downside to the date was the ending, i wanted to get out and open the door for her. but she got out so quickly, i didn't feel like i was a gentleman for not walking her to her door. i pulled back and watched her to make sure she got in her house ok, but then she caught me and i thought maybe she thought i was staring at her, which i wasn't. i just wanted to make sure she got inside ok. but still, it was a lovely afternoon.
5. salsa dancing
well, as part of our conversations earlier, janna mentioned that she was into salsa dancing and said it would be fun to go. for those of you that know me, you know that i love to dance. I took 2.5 years of ballroom classes at BYU. my advisor informed me i would just miss graduating with a dancing minor, but i love dancing, i've owned my own Mobile DJ business for some time now and it is always enjoyable. i've taken standard ballroom, international latin, and social ballroom up to gold levels. but i've never taken like social latin classes, let alone salsa dancing. she mentioned a site for salsainutah.com. i went and saw they had ballroom. it's been ten years since i had taken these classes and so i thought i could get refreshed on how they were. I signed up for the classes and they had a workshop on friday last on Bachata, it was so fun. very different, even the timing, all the movements, it was fun. janna couldn't come because i believe she had another date. which is fine, she's beautiful and she should date while she's single. granted i wanted to be the only one on her radar, but i wasn't about to get all clingy. i had signed up for the classes before she knew i did. i really do love dancing and had forgotten just how much i did. i bought some new shoes, i couldn't find my old practice form shoes. the first two hours of the workshop were fun, repetition and such, it went by way to fast. before i knew it it was 9oclock. and they had a dance party ready to go. i stayed for the salsa party after ward, though i had never danced salsa before. i watched, i experimented with the form, i just could not get the timing down, or the moves, most the night i was staring at my feet. every now and then i'd try a ballroom move and that probably confused everyone involved. Janna was going to come at 10, but i waited, she never showed, 10:30 came, still nothing, i had been looking forward to being with her, especially for her help in dancing, because i really needed it, but more for her company. 11 came around, and nothing, i had been dancing and observing this whole time, it was fun, but now i was 4 hours there and very tired, i said to myself, i'll stay till 12, then leave, she finally came at 11:35. she was a vision, absolutely gorgeous, everything about her. i cannot describe. again rendered speechless. i was so happy to see her. so very happy she was there. we tried the salsa, i totally stunk at it. must have stepped on her feet at least 4 times. she informed me later that i was trying to turn her the wrong direction. which in ballroom was the right direction, but in salsa, opposite. awkward. i felt foolish. at the end of dance a friend of mine from work was there and she wanted to talk, we talked, then I lose Janna, she went off to her friends and she was dancing and it wasn't until after i talked to my friend, and i noticed she had walked off. i was slightly hurt, i wanted to spend time with her, i had waited so long and now she was with another. i calmed myself went to another room and practiced my bachata moves, for her, went back and they had bachata, and she was dancing again, she was having a great time, i didn't want to ruin that for her. i went back to the other room, to collect my thoughts. and then went back. salsa was playing and now another song, but different guy. i just left, quietly got her attention, waved goodnight and went out, this was 12 midnight. i had been there for 5 hours. i was tired. but really, jealously got the better of me and i needed to get out of there before i made a scene. she was having a great time i didn't want to ruin it for her. the next day i went to the second part of the bachata workshop. it was fun. finalized by dancing classes, i have a latin social class on thursday for 4 weeks. right after that, a ballroom class, then on saturday afternoons at 2pm i have a intro to salsa class. I took them because i love dancing, and i enjoy it. part of me took them because of her, i must be honest about that. i would love to dance with her again.
6. lost in love.
I dont' really know what to do about how i feel about her, I am deeply madly in love with her. we have so many things similar and so many things very different, i think it would make and interesting ride the rest of our lives. i really dont' know what to do about how she feels about me. i dont' want to press her, not about to push her into something she wouldn't want and risk our friendship, but i feel if i don't act, then i'll lose her as i did the other times over the past two years. i fell for her the first time i saw her at a Tri-ward activity. her smile, her eyes, her kindness. She has a calm spirit and a gentle laugh. She shows so much compassion to those around her. and she will have no end to her suitors. might i be one so fortunate as to hold her hand, to grace her softly in an embrace. i would be a fool for her always, to shower her with flowers, and affection. I just dont' really know what to do next. i do not fear putting this on my blog, because, frankly no one reads it. but if i don't put this down somewhere i am certain to go crazy. i just want to tell her, that i love her, that i always have, just never had an opportunity to do that. and judging from the suitors she will most certain garner in her new ward, i never will. given my track record i'd say her chances of me losing her are quite high. this will likely come to nothing, but my heart broken in shambles again. i am thankful to at least have had the chance, to hold her hand when we danced, to embrace her when she visited, to whisper to her in the quiet of a theatre. at least i had something.

stake conference weekend

I spent most of this weekend at church in one capacity or another. I didn't mind one bit.

Saturday

started with stake choir practice at 8am, which i didn't mind. i love singing. i do sing baritone, but between tenor and bass I am a bass. bass as in singer, not as in fish. anyways, i got to the church and no one was there, finally our choir director Jana showed up, lovely as always. found out that the practice had been moved back to 9am. so i just hung out and read, trying to use my time contructively. however, this never fails, whenever i want to do something productive something happens to interrupt me. so with my extra time i was reading my scriptures and felt to the need to read my patriarchal blessing. half way through reading, another ward which was there to clean the building decided to clean right where i was sitting. Two guys in particular decided to stand in front of me and just carry out a conversation. Here i was starting to feel the spirit and they come on over and goodbye spirit, well singing came and we practiced over 2 hours. the songs were beautiful. the first, the Lord is my Shephard, very soft and our part actually had some harmony and then the other was o light of life. an amazing and beautiful song. it really worked to the basses depth and we outnumbered the tenors 2 to 1 and so our sounds just came out and we did so in relative harmony. apparantly it sounded so good a few of the altos were in absolute tears and we had to stop. it feels so wonderful to sing together as a group to have our voices as one reflect the sounds of our hearts. well after we finished our ward was in charge of setting up chairs for stake conference, we did that for an hour. we probably setup several hundred chairs for the event. i went home because, well i was tired. got home and our water was turned off, a main water line for the complex had burst and so well, lets just say my need to use the facilities had to be put on hold, so i had to hold it the best i could. plus i needed to do my laundry and without water that is rather difficult. by the way, not having the bathroom available and doing my laundry had not correlary cause.
i needed to get back to church early for another practice, that night we had an adult session of stake conference. as part of that, we men of the choir were singing for that session. something I didn't know about until the end of our earlier practice, so i got the music and we practiced early, it turned out well and fortunately the brother next to me could hold a note and it helped me to keep my notes in tune. his name is scott wall, an older gentleman but a pretty good voice.
our speaker that night was elder marlin jepson of the first quorum of the seventy. a great speaker. He is also the Church Historian. Both he and his wife spoke and i loved their messages. His wife spoke basically about how we should treat one another. he spoke on how religion is changing to focus less on the sin and more on being a moral convenience. he stated that sin was wrong and something one shouldn't do, but now, sin was more accepted and allowed people to excuse their own responsiblities in avoiding and repending of sins.

Sunday

sunday morning was an early day, we had priesthood leadership and since i'm the ward mission leader i needed to be there. our visiting leader was president Sonne, president of the salt lake city North mission and Elder jepson, without his wife. both talks again were amazing, elder jepson wanted to emphasize how we as leaders need the spirit more in what we do and how we do it. he spoke on the choices each of us makes and how this reflects on our own progression. he spoke a bit on how the church over time has given more agency to the members of the church to grow and do works on righteousness on their own. he stated that when we choose to do good, what is the reward? progression, spiritual growth and eventually exaltation. he stated that to make agency work, we must be enticed by the one and the other, and that no one should be compelled to righteousness, but that we invite those we work with to act in righteousness so that we do not violate their agency and that through agency, they might attain a greater reward.
later, 9am, which was like minutes after our meeting ending, we had another choir practice. this one worked out well and the spirit again was so strong. i left momentarily to drive my car to the meeting house up the road to help free of my space for people that didn't need to drive that far. it is a good half mile walk, i didn't mind, got back and we practiced. Janna was there, again, amazing. others from our ward, scott cold, bradly coltrone. one other girl as well, but that was all. the other choir members really missed out on a great opportunity to sing. as the meeting started, i got more nervous, but as in any task, we really just need to do the best we can. the meeting started at 10am, we did a small number to start the meeting and then the speakers. all did well. we had the president of the salt lake city temple come and speak to us as well as his wife, with stirring messages of temple attendance and it's associated blessings. and then ended with elder jepson, again an amazing series of sermons in one, he tended to jump from one story to another, which somehow all seemed to mix. before you knew it 45 minutes had passed and he was wrapping up. we ending with our piece oh light of life. added to the spirit of the meeting and the nature of the song, the burnings of the Holy Ghost within me just about caused me to burst. my heart could barely contain myself. but 3/4s of the way through, i feelt my emotions overcoming and could not contain my tears. my voice before that carried with such resonance and clarity, with a power not of my own accord. as i felt the tears my voice could not sing, i composed myself for the final part and we finished such a beautiful song. beautiful because of the meeting and because of the Spirit of the Lord. during the closing prayer, my heart glowed so brightly, with the warmth of the spirit and i again wept. It is not often i feel such an outpouring of the spirit and though i have had such experiences before, i hope that i may continue to feel so in the future. i love weekends like this.