Sick does NOT equal Fun

I so dislike being sick. It happened soon after my run on Saturday. Usually I'm quite careful about what i do after my long runs, but somehow i had forgotten. Saturday I ran 12 miles and it was a good 12 miles. Afterward, my legs hurt, but weren't sore, I wasn't as fatigued as i thought i was going to be. In fact, i felt great, and my time wasn't too bad either, finishing in just 2 hours. I am careful after a long fun because for me, after 10 miles of running, my immune system gets compromised. after a long distance your body's white blood cell count gets lowered and leaves you susceptible to all kinds of germs if not careful. There being the problem. I wasn't careful. I'm sure this happened later that night.
I had gone down to BYU to watch the Living Legends performance. I had not attended one in a number of years and so felt it was time. I had purchased the tickets with the intent to invite Janna to go with me so she might get a small taste of my culture. But she couldn't go. She had a family obligation to attend to, her father's birthday. She apologized that she could not go and i replied informing her that she need not apologize for that. she should be with her family, especially a birthday party. I'm used to being by myself so going alone for me was more normal. although i would be lying if i didn't state that a part of me would miss her. In fact, during the performance, i kept thinking about what she would have liked or disliked. and afterwards, walking out i reflected on what might have been her opinion. My usual drive home was emtpy, no matter what music i played, i just wanted to hear her voice. so leaving in this distracted state, i was not as careful as i usually am with contact and with food, later eating without having washed my hands carefully. so sunday morning when i got up. I was hurting. as the day progressed, my strength so left me, in fact, i left sunday school and priesthood just to lie down on the couches in the foyer. I needed to stay so i could home teach. Paul, my home teaching partner, wasn't there that day and both Michelle and Fran were there and I needed to be there, i wanted to be there for them. After church i went home and crashed, the fever hurt, but I still watched the Academy Awards. I loved the show. I still have not seen Slumdog Millionaire, but now I feel obliged to.
Got up Monday morning, no better, so called in for work. i rested mostly and by midday my fever was gone, by later that afternoon, i had my appetite back. and so this tuesday morning, i feel stronger, but probably wont' run until wednesday. I really want to get out there, but i need time not only for my body to heal, but to gain strength again. 6 miles is still a long way to go. and if i run without that necessary strength i will get sick again, or passout. Either way should be a party, i'll have to adjust my running, probably run wed,thur,fri. and only a 10 mile run on saturday, which will give me less miles, but not too much less so mixed blessings. at least i can eat again. but i'll be staying away from those breakfast burritos.

dusted off my dancing shoes

Last night i went to the Latin Dance Studio at downtown SLC. I had signed up for three classes, one in ballroom level 1, next in latin social dance, and the last intro to salsa. I had taken ballroom before so really not worried about that. But the latin classes are dances i've never done before. so first class was latin social. that night they taught the Bachata, thank goodness. my whole last week for classes was in bachata, so tonight was a very good time to practice what i learned, remember what i had forgotten and enjoy myself, it was very pleasant, except for the fact that the guys outnumbered the girls 2 to 1. so we gathered in a circle and the girls would rotate around to each guy. it got hard to really get the new moves down so got used to dancing with air. still. it was fun.
our teacher is co-owner of the studio and he made it so fun. his jokes, his style of teacher, it was a hoot. the guy is funny. there were 2 girls from my old bachata workshop that attended so we at least got to get some good practice in with the newbies. next weeek will be the challenge. we will be learning merenge. never done that before so will see how it goes. i'll be the very much newbie then.
the next class was Ballroom level 1. i felt more at ease here. the class was loaded with people and to my surprise we had and exact boy to girl ratio so everyone had a partner. we were learning the tango tonight. one of my favorite dances. they asked if anyone had ballroom experience and i slightly raised my hands, truth was it had been 10 years since i had danced and really needed to get my basics down again, but one the floor, as she presented her information, it just came back to me. how i should hold my hand, my feet movements, my count to the music, it just was there again, granted i didn't remember all the moves i had known before, but my basics were there. and i was ready to dance, most of the girls there were very new to ballroom and not to tango at all. so as wel moved, they would be out of place or they wouldn't have a strong arm structure, feet work was misplaced, they lacked confidence. of course because this was a brand new dance to them. for me it was like magic, just the flow, the movement, it was so much fun to remember. i got complemented several times, telling me that i was the best partner they had that night. it was nice. not sure how the other dances will go, but can't wait to do the others, to see how much i remember. I was giving the girls pointers through the night, where to stand, to bend their knees in the stance so they can step back farther, to dance hip to hip on our open promonades. the hardest was their arm structure, many kept their arms weaker so it was harder for me to give them the signals to turn to where they should be, it takes time, with new partners, before you can read the signals and understand each other. suppose it's the samething in life.
my next class is on saturday at 2pm this is the intro to salsa, i'm really looking forward to this class, something that fun, i want to get the basics down and just excell in this. maybe one day i'll be fortunate to find a wife that loves this style and we can just dance all the time. i have yet to find one will to be with me. but i have hope and look forward to the future.
sadness part II
over the past few weeks, i've been trying to interact with a girl that i really genuinely love. but in the midst of my communications, she has stopped emailing me. no texts, no calling. it appears she will have nothing to do with my inquiries or invitations. i fear that i have asked her too soon after her breakup and have caught her in a situation where she wants nothing serious at the moment, even casual acquaintance seems out of the question. i seemed to have mucked things up again, my specialty. which is so unfortunate, two years waiting to ask her out, i get that chance and i didnt' even make an impression enough to capture her interests and more dates. i'm such a loser. if there were an olympic event in ending relationships of any kind, i'd have a closet full of gold medals. I almost feel as though i should have never asked her out, then i'd be free to love her in my ignorance. Free in my fantasy to hold her and to dream of the possibilities to be. but I would be wrong, i do not regret any moment spent with her. the long drive we had. the moments i made her laugh. holding the door open for her. holding her hand when we danced, embracing her when i thought she wasn't anywhere around. seeing her smile every sunday. and when she walked into the dance studio. she was so amazing and gorgeous. though our moments were short they were moments to remember. at least that much i can keep with me.

neglecting my blogging duties

things these past few weeks have been quite hectic to say the least, however, they have been activities which have been worthwhile and eventful. the following takes place in the last several weeks. this entry will be long. so if you like reading, i hope i do justice in explaining everything.

1. Temple in Draper
At the beginning of the month, our ward had scheduled to attend the open house in Draper, Utah. I am now the ward web specialist and so i get to know what's happening in the ward concerning activities. We were supposed to meet at 7:15 and then go on our tour, i got there at 6:45pm, and waited, no one showed up. i waited until 7:45pm and still, no one showed up. I still had to give them a chance and gave it 5 minutes and decided if they had not showed up by then, i'd go alone. During that time i was lost in the exterior beauty of the Temple. the lights, the glow from the granite walls, the shimmer from Moroni's trumpet. I used that time for reflection and enjoyed every moment. Still i would have preferred being with members of our ward, but that just didn't work out. I then walked through the temple, If you have never been, it is an amazing architectural structure and so much beauty around every corner. I took my time walking through, crowds of people passed quickly, i didn't pay attention to them. I'd stop at paintings, reflect on each story and move on. i'd touch the walls, feel the texture of the doors, even smelled the wood, which was imported from Africa. I just wanted to enjoy the experience. There was a young girl there, i'd say about 5 years old, she was there with her family and she wore a very pretty white dress. about half way through i found myself mixed in with their family. and for some reason she took to copying my movements. if i touched a curtain, she touched them on the opposite side, if i felt a door handle she did the same thing. when i moved in close to a wall too see what the wood smelled like (pinesol, they must have just cleaned) she did exactly the same. at the end, i heard her speaking to her father. he asked her what was her favorite part, she said the shimmering lights daddy, the shimmering lights. she was speaking of the crystal that surrounded many of the lights on the walls, including the amazing candelier in the celestial room. Her joy echoed my own in such a wonderful building. And that building will become all the more beautiful when it is filled with the fire from the Spirit of God which will shine forth as all other temples do, to rejoice and give praises to the God of Israel. This building certain does that for me. Even through i walked out the temple alone, i never really felt alone. It was a great experience.

2. lost my key
As many people know. i am a runner. I love it, usually after i've gone 3 or 4 miles. before that i always ask, what am i doing out here. but then when i get in a rhythm the cadence begins to carry me along, it is a wonderful feeling. I had gone running one night on my first very long run of the season, i got in a 9 miler. i usually end my runs with a warm down in the park, they have a series of stations setup to do pushups, or pullups or whatever. i did three of the stations, and then jogged home. when i got home, i reached into my pocket and my key was gone. Why when we lose something, do we try to reach in further only to find nothing. I pulled out the pocket and proceed to check the other pocket, which was no where near the other pocket during the run. i had no way of getting into my apartment, no neighbors were home. i had no phone numbers to call. i was completely alone, all very sweaty and cold. i felt so helpless. i tried to think where could it be, it could be anywhere between my place and the park. i went a few houses down to some neighbors who looked home and they generously allowed me to borrow their flashlight. as i walked outside, i pretended to kneel down to tie my shoes, but instead, in a slightly seclueded area, plead with my Heavenly Father, please, please help me find my key. i don't know how many times that thought came to my head during my run, to secure the key and to place a key outside hidden so i could find it under an emergency. every moment i remembered, and realized i deserved my despair for procrastining that bit of inspiration and forethought. still, i held hope that maybe, just maybe, God would have mercy on me and allow me to find my key.
i walked-ran the half mile back to the park. there were only three stations i was at that night. the first, where i did some pullups was empty. now, this was all at night, about 7:30, everything was very dark. the ground under the station was covered with wet wood shaving all scattered about. they were hard and cold, some frozen together in sheets of ice, others just frozen enough so you'd slip when you stepped on them. i scrambled around with the flashlight, and found nothing, my knees got very wet and i got even colder. a couple walked by wondering what i was going, they said good luck and walked away. alone, again, i knelt again and prayed, please, please help me find my key, i reached inside with all my heart, to humble myself before my God, seeking his help and his mercy for my own stupidity.
i got up walked to the second station, a pair of parallel bars i use to do leg lifts and work my triceps. also, very good for arm walks. this was on a hill and fortunately there was no snow, but still dark. with wet grass all around. I got on my hands and knees, i looked about again, where all this could be and found nothing. my heart began to sink, my hope faded and all i could think of was this is it, i deserved to lose my key, i deserved to be this lost for not listening to that voice that warned me before to be prepared. i knelt again and prayed, all the more fervently. then a voice, a quiet voice, but a voice, God cannot hear you. maybe he never could, maybe all the times before were just coincidence, he won't help you. you don't deserve to be heard. and for a moment, i doubted, for a moment i listened. But then i quickly caught myself and remembered all the good things God has done for me. and if it was his will that i shouldn't find the key, then let it be according to his will. it doesn't mean he won't hear me, it doesn't mean he won't hear me in the future, and it certainly doesn't mean he did not hear me in the past. I know that God hears and answers our prayers. I cannot deny that. ever. so again, in my heart, i plead even more, no matter if i find the key or not, i will always love you and trust you. forgive me my sins and my doubts. and please help me find the key.
there was only one station left. i walked over to it, still held onto shreds of doubt, but hopeful. this was two bars side by side, where you could do pushups off it, as well as inverted pullups. i had stopped here last and i approached it slowly, apprehensive, this also was dark with patches of snow. i got close shone my light to where i was and it wasn't there. my heart sunk,it could be anywhere along my running path, it could be anything where in the half mile it was to my home. then, a small voice, inside, said, step back. there, in the dark grass just behind me. was the key. I quickly grasped it and held it to my heart so precious this jewel was to me, and i knelt down there in the park and just over and over again, said thank you, thank you, thank you. i can't remember how many times i said it, but never wanted to let it go again. i didn't care if anyone could see me, walking home. i never let it out of my hand. in fact, i looked a couple of glances to see that i had actually held it in my hand. but it was there. i prayed when i got back inside, when i finally got to eat, i prayed with a grateful heart for the mercy that God had shown me, with a simple voice to step back and calm my heart, that trusting in God, and humbling ourselves before him is always the best thing to do. even searching for a little key.

3. Baby's first laugh
In the Navajo culture, we have a tradition, that the first person to make a newborn baby laugh throws a party in honor of the baby. that person pays for everything and is the MC for the party, this time it was my sister Shenna's turn, she got Monty's baby Maddy to laugh. Monty's family was visiting from hawaii, first time visiting home in years. it was great to see them again. I drove home, took an extra day off to be with everyone, while i was home we also had family pictures. My mom was fortunate enough to have her new house again. it is a beautiful house with high ceilings and alot of space. it was the first time for me in their new house. they did an excellent job. we had our family pictures together over near the Shiprock, the rock, all of us drove there. it was a fun drive. it was fun to teach the kids a little geology about the rock. they thought i was lying that the rocks they were playing on were from a volcano. but they still had fun. later at the party, we had dinner and alot of food, Monty, the other Harold and i held down the BBQ and the others got everything else ready. it was fun talking with him again. i love my brother and they have done a great job as a family to raise their children. it was a fun event to be home and be with everyone again. the next morning i had to leave early for choir we had rehearsed this song alot and i didn't want to miss out, frankly i just wanted to get back to see janna again. but i did really want to sing. then just before we were to sing, she informed us that she was going to be leaving the ward. i cannot express how my heart felt after this. i would miss her. and still miss her. she is a rare treasure and will be a wonderful addition to her ward. to anyone she meets. I know she had to leave the ward because she was living outside the ward boundaries. she stayed only because her boyfriend was in the ward. He was an idiot for breaking up with her. but, i figure I scared her out of the ward by asking her out to watch the dancer's company. still. it was remembering her that helped me get back safely. during my drive home, i got hit with a very bad snow storm, up the canyon from helper. it was a white out condition. i could not see the sides, or oncoming traffic, it was so bad, i couldn't even see the semi in front of me not even 10 meters. all i could see were the tracks of the truck. I prayed so much, for my life, just to get home again. I was able to see her again, and i count that a wonderful blessing. even is she isn't with me.
4. found a friend
well, It only took me two years, but i finally asked Janna out to do something. I had purchased tickets to go and watch the BYU Dancer's company. i love how they perform and i usually go to these things alone, but a thought came to me, maybe she'd want to go. i hesitated because, she had just had her heart broken. and i really didn't want to be rebound guy. but the last few times this has happened. i waited too long and she got swooped away by some other dashing gentleman. it was strange how everytime i made an attempt it was twarted in someway to keep us apart. everytime. and so when i asked her, i more than expected to hear her say she couldn't or she was busy or she was already with someone. but i had to ask. i had waited so long for another chance and even if it meant a rejection, i wanted to try. but when she said yes, i cannot express my joy, i picked her up at her place, not too hard to find, but seeing her all dressed up. she is so perfectly beautiful. and she has this amazing way of rendering me inarticulate. i kind of like that. but being a bumbling fool around her probably isn't going to help me win her heart. she has a gentle soul and an amazing laugh. we talked on the way there, just about everything, her family, friends, work and what not. she loves dancing as do i. we attended the concert in the pardoe theatre, the seats were really very good. the performance was great. i like the fact that when we talked we had to whisper and that had to be done in close proximity. afterwards i wasn't sure if i should take her to eat anywhere, she is very petite, most foods i eat really pack on the pounds. but on the way out she mentioned she was hungry, (answer to prayer because it meant spending more time together) so i said i knew a place, and we went to Tommy's burger. classic provo joint and had a burger, we just talked, well she did most of the talking, i enjoyed listening to her. it was a great evening. on the way back. she didn't want to listen to any music, just talk and we just did that, the drive home was far too quickly ended. i wanted to keep going and keep talking. the only downside to the date was the ending, i wanted to get out and open the door for her. but she got out so quickly, i didn't feel like i was a gentleman for not walking her to her door. i pulled back and watched her to make sure she got in her house ok, but then she caught me and i thought maybe she thought i was staring at her, which i wasn't. i just wanted to make sure she got inside ok. but still, it was a lovely afternoon.
5. salsa dancing
well, as part of our conversations earlier, janna mentioned that she was into salsa dancing and said it would be fun to go. for those of you that know me, you know that i love to dance. I took 2.5 years of ballroom classes at BYU. my advisor informed me i would just miss graduating with a dancing minor, but i love dancing, i've owned my own Mobile DJ business for some time now and it is always enjoyable. i've taken standard ballroom, international latin, and social ballroom up to gold levels. but i've never taken like social latin classes, let alone salsa dancing. she mentioned a site for salsainutah.com. i went and saw they had ballroom. it's been ten years since i had taken these classes and so i thought i could get refreshed on how they were. I signed up for the classes and they had a workshop on friday last on Bachata, it was so fun. very different, even the timing, all the movements, it was fun. janna couldn't come because i believe she had another date. which is fine, she's beautiful and she should date while she's single. granted i wanted to be the only one on her radar, but i wasn't about to get all clingy. i had signed up for the classes before she knew i did. i really do love dancing and had forgotten just how much i did. i bought some new shoes, i couldn't find my old practice form shoes. the first two hours of the workshop were fun, repetition and such, it went by way to fast. before i knew it it was 9oclock. and they had a dance party ready to go. i stayed for the salsa party after ward, though i had never danced salsa before. i watched, i experimented with the form, i just could not get the timing down, or the moves, most the night i was staring at my feet. every now and then i'd try a ballroom move and that probably confused everyone involved. Janna was going to come at 10, but i waited, she never showed, 10:30 came, still nothing, i had been looking forward to being with her, especially for her help in dancing, because i really needed it, but more for her company. 11 came around, and nothing, i had been dancing and observing this whole time, it was fun, but now i was 4 hours there and very tired, i said to myself, i'll stay till 12, then leave, she finally came at 11:35. she was a vision, absolutely gorgeous, everything about her. i cannot describe. again rendered speechless. i was so happy to see her. so very happy she was there. we tried the salsa, i totally stunk at it. must have stepped on her feet at least 4 times. she informed me later that i was trying to turn her the wrong direction. which in ballroom was the right direction, but in salsa, opposite. awkward. i felt foolish. at the end of dance a friend of mine from work was there and she wanted to talk, we talked, then I lose Janna, she went off to her friends and she was dancing and it wasn't until after i talked to my friend, and i noticed she had walked off. i was slightly hurt, i wanted to spend time with her, i had waited so long and now she was with another. i calmed myself went to another room and practiced my bachata moves, for her, went back and they had bachata, and she was dancing again, she was having a great time, i didn't want to ruin that for her. i went back to the other room, to collect my thoughts. and then went back. salsa was playing and now another song, but different guy. i just left, quietly got her attention, waved goodnight and went out, this was 12 midnight. i had been there for 5 hours. i was tired. but really, jealously got the better of me and i needed to get out of there before i made a scene. she was having a great time i didn't want to ruin it for her. the next day i went to the second part of the bachata workshop. it was fun. finalized by dancing classes, i have a latin social class on thursday for 4 weeks. right after that, a ballroom class, then on saturday afternoons at 2pm i have a intro to salsa class. I took them because i love dancing, and i enjoy it. part of me took them because of her, i must be honest about that. i would love to dance with her again.
6. lost in love.
I dont' really know what to do about how i feel about her, I am deeply madly in love with her. we have so many things similar and so many things very different, i think it would make and interesting ride the rest of our lives. i really dont' know what to do about how she feels about me. i dont' want to press her, not about to push her into something she wouldn't want and risk our friendship, but i feel if i don't act, then i'll lose her as i did the other times over the past two years. i fell for her the first time i saw her at a Tri-ward activity. her smile, her eyes, her kindness. She has a calm spirit and a gentle laugh. She shows so much compassion to those around her. and she will have no end to her suitors. might i be one so fortunate as to hold her hand, to grace her softly in an embrace. i would be a fool for her always, to shower her with flowers, and affection. I just dont' really know what to do next. i do not fear putting this on my blog, because, frankly no one reads it. but if i don't put this down somewhere i am certain to go crazy. i just want to tell her, that i love her, that i always have, just never had an opportunity to do that. and judging from the suitors she will most certain garner in her new ward, i never will. given my track record i'd say her chances of me losing her are quite high. this will likely come to nothing, but my heart broken in shambles again. i am thankful to at least have had the chance, to hold her hand when we danced, to embrace her when she visited, to whisper to her in the quiet of a theatre. at least i had something.